HE IS THE MASTER WEAVER
Written by the administrator of Christian Adoption.
Some names have been changed to protect privacy.
Sunday October 22, 2000
The other day, I was looking ahead watching the oncoming traffic so I could make a left turn. The van on the opposite side of the road was also making a left turn, so we began to turn together in mirrored synchronization. However, I was cut short by the audible command, "STOP", and so I did. I stopped short; I stopped on a dime (so to speak) and I peaceably watched the 'hidden car' just miss my front right bumper. Had I continued and not 'stopped short' Danielle would have been hit broadside. As I completed my initial maneuver, I audibly praised God for sparing our lives once again. I shuddered to think about the details, and chose to focus on God's great grace and mercy. Grace and mercy that He abundantly pours out upon our lives day after day, moment upon moment. God is good---all the time.
In our quest to become parents and as Christian believers, we may choose to trust in God's guidance or we may be deluded to think 'that we can do it better'. It is a daily walk and a daily decision.
Earlier this year, after our adoption of Samuel Eduardo, I began to devise ways in which we could adopt another child. I knew we had the option of pursuing Native American Indian adoption, since I am registered with the Osage Indian Nation. I knew we had discussed a trip to Vietnam for adoption. I knew we wanted more children, I knew that I earnestly wanted more children. I knew that the first week we'd been blessed with baby Samuel. (Previous to his adoption, I had never understood why so many couples wanted to adopt more than one or two children. I really didn't 'get' why many Christians wanted to adopt a number of children. "Couldn't they be happy with just one or two children?" "Couldn't they leave well enough alone and allow more childless couples to adopt those children?" It just didn't make sense to me, until I learned experientially that the love of God is like a limitless fountain. And that love of God living in the hearts of men and women, fathers and mothers is a well spring of life to others--especially children.) I confessed to church family and friends that we were seeking to adopt children from the Indian Nation. Eddie and I discussed it and agreed. But every time I would start to do something about it, I would 'stop short' of completing the task of application. I concluded after many such incidents (God knows I need to be gently reminded--a lot) that this was not how we would be blessed with our next child.
When I first saw and held Mark & Sandy's baby Seth, I knew I had NO reservations about adopting a 100% African American child. Any reservations from my mother's Southern background dissolved in an instant.
Eddie and I began to discuss INS applications and a trip to Vietnam. It would take a good year to process all the paperwork and give us time to prepare for such an elaborate trip. We knew we would be adopting a child or children, preferably a sibling group that would be younger than Danielle and older than Samuel. I requested a packet from INS and it arrived about the same time as when Tiffany returned from Thailand. Her enthusiasm and positive experience with their Thai adoption caused us to opt for a Thai adoption. (Danielle is 1/4 Thai, so we liked that connection.) Several asked me why we didn't go online with Christian Adoption--our own web site!? My response was honest and simple; "We don't feel led to do so."
Saturday October 14, 2000 Women's Conference
In the first 45-minute workshop I presented on Recognizing God's Presence, we reviewed many scriptures that instruct us about thanksgiving and prayer. According to God's Word we are instructed to ABOUND WITH THANKSGIVING (Colossians 2:6) and we are instructed to PRAY WITHOUT CEASING (I Thessalonians 5:17). While we were reviewing these verses I made the statement that even in times of adversity we can be and are instructed to be thankful. God has given us so much and we can be thankful for His continued grace and mercy in our lives, in spite of adversity. I shared some experiences from my own life and said, "Just a short while ago, I had a major breakthrough in my life. My husband and I had lunch with an adoptive couple considering listing with Christian Adoption. While we were eating, I said without hesitation or reservation, 'I am so thankful that I could not bear children. For had I been able to have children, I would not be blessed with these 2 wonderful kids. I thank God that I could not have a child.' Eddie then echoed that comment with equal heart felt conviction. Jeff and Ashley didn't know that I had never made such a statement with so much conviction, Eddie didn't know how much mental deliverance was in that statement, but God knew and so did I. I had prayed and waited almost 30 years to become a mother, and now I was thanking God that I had never had children."
During the 3rd and last 45-minute workshop, we covered the same material and scriptures. However, this time I had a major mental breakthrough while I made the following statement. "Regardless of the adversity in my life, the trauma, and the pain, I am so very thankful for it. I thank God for the great adversity in my life. Without it, I would not have sought Him so earnestly, I would not have been blessed with such precious children, I would not be standing here in front of you today, and I would not be able to reach out and help so many. I thank God for the adversity of the past, for it is what has paved my way to the present. I will continue to trust God to bless us in His timing with another child, for HIS WAYS ARE HIGHER THAN OUR WAYS." No one in that room of women knew what a mental and emotional hurdle I had just overcome. Not a hurdle, it was a goal post, a high jump, and a victory. But God knew and so did I.
Eddie, Danielle, and Samuel arrived at the church just about the time I was loading up the furniture, plants, candles, books, and décor that personalized my workshop room. As Danny girl hopped around the church parking lot (Do all kids go through this 'endless' hopping stage?) and we passed Samuelito back and forth as we loaded, Eddie began to 'brief' me on the day's events and phone calls. He had spent about 1 1/2 hours on the phone with a birth grandmother from Georgia, who was seeking to place her 2-year-old 100% AA granddaughter with a Christian couple. As Eddie gave me some of the particulars, I would 'bark out' names of CA couples that might qualify.
"Well, what about Dave & Sharon, Magdaleno & Martha, and maybe Jayson & Laura? Mark & Tyler are already 'matched'. Did you tell her about them?"
Eddie responded, "Yes, but she specifically wants a couple that already has children."
"Okay, what about Troy & Marisa? (This was before I found out that they were already 'matched'.) Or Terry & Jana or Fred & Tudie?"
"She wants them to be adopted children, not biological. She wants her granddaughter to know that she is not the only child that is adopted."
"What about…as my mind searched through the toddler category for those that had adopted AND would also consider AA…well, we don't have anyone. I can't think of any couples online that fill that criteria."
"Well, she wants a Christian couple that has at least 2 adopted children of different heritage, one child older than 2 and one child younger than 2."
"We don't have anyone. I'll have to call K. and see who he has in his adoptive pool."
"Well, she wants the couple to live in the country and have livestock/animals and to have been praying to adopt an older child."
"Wait a minute," as I 'stopped short' on loading and passed Samuel to a church family member standing there. "Eddie, let me get this straight…she came to us looking for a Christian couple that has at least 2 children of mixed heritage or race--other than Caucasian; that are older and younger than her granddaughter; that are adopted children; that live in the country with animals; that are praying to adopt; that have NO problem with 100% AA; that…well…that describes us!"
"Yes, it does and after we talked for 1 1/2 hours she told me and asked me, 'Last night when I went to bed, I prayed for God to give me a clear answer for our little R. In my sleep God told me to go to christianadoption.com. I don't know anything about the Internet and I am not computer literate, but God led me to you. I have not read the profiles of other couples on there, but I have read about you, I saw photos of your children, and I believe that God is directing me to you. Would you adopt our granddaughter?"
Sue, my church family sister interjected, "Would you consider adopting this little girl?"
Swift came my reply; "If she belongs with us and is sent to us from God, IN A HEARTBEAT, WITHOUT HESITATION OR RESERVATION! What did you tell her Eddie?"
"I told her that we would be honored and blessed, but that you and I needed to talk about it and pray about it."
About 3 hours later, late Saturday night, I called J. in Georgia and we spoke briefly. I had her enumerate what she was praying to find in a Christian couple and I never mentioned our interest or willingness to adopt her R. I discussed possible couples that almost met her criteria, but she was firm. I told her I would pray and do some checking and call her back on Monday evening.
Eddie and I then spent some time discussing our options and considerations. Gee, we just took on a second mortgage; it would HAVE to be a VERY inexpensive adoption for us. Like really done on a shoestring, like NO money--was that even possible? SO, we set a financial limit under $5,000.00, but less than that amount (God knows the figure). We agreed that the total adoption could not be a 'dime' over our limit, or we would 'walk away' from the situation. I'd call our attorney on Monday and have him check out Georgia adoption laws so I could at least see what legal issues would face us or someone else. We prayed, considered, and prayed some more on Sunday--not knowing what the future held, but knowing WHO held our future.
"Hello K., this is Deborah. I would like for you to check into the adoption laws of Georgia. We were contacted by a birth grandmother who wants to place her 2-year-old granddaughter for adoption. Birthmom has abandoned the child and they think they can find her, but need some time to locate her. After much prayerful consideration we are interested in this placement, but Georgia laws and the amount of cost involved will determine this adoption process. Here is what we know about the situation…"
"Well, very interesting and I will check into Georgia laws. Do you want to go to Georgia to meet this little girl first?"
"No, nor do I need to see a photo of her. If she is meant for us and being sent to us by God, I don't need to see any pictures, nor do I want to have a visit. IF she is ours (on loan from God until she reaches the age of accountability) then she is OURS and I have no reservations."
"Deborah, do you feel you are being led to adopt this child?"
"Absolutely and without a shadow of a doubt."
"Okay, I will get back with you."
K. called me Monday afternoon with the legalities. Since the birthfather is a complete unknown, Georgia law requires that we sign a 'waiver of risk'. Georgia recently "privatized" all ICPC, meaning each adoption agency/adoption attorney processes ICPC in-house. Georgia's ICPC requires a 30-minute interview with the birthmom to confirm that she is not being coerced or paid to relinquish her parental rights. This interview is conducted with the agency social worker. Overall the state is really working hard to process adoptions quickly and easily.
"Okay K., let's talk about money. How much for the social worker to conduct the 30-minute interview?'
"No charge."
"How much for ICPC?"
"No charge."
"How much does the agency want to process the paperwork?"
"No charge."
"How much for the attorney in Georgia?"
"Georgia doesn't require an attorney, so no charge."
"Wait a minute, how can this be?"
"Since GA 'privatized' ICPC, each independent adoption professional is compensated by the state for each ICPC completed, and the cost is not passed onto the adoptive couple."
"Are you saying that the only fees I am looking at are transporting R. here to KS and your legal fees?"
"Yes, and you will need to spend about $50 updating your home study to include your adoption of Samuel and that you have no problem with an AA Trans-racial adoption. Georgia ICPC requires that such a statement is recorded in your home study."
"Well, our home study is still valid, it is dated 11/25/99, so an update is not a problem."
"That's about it Deborah; transportation, court file fees for the final hearing, update your home study, legal fees in KS and no more."
UNBELIEVABLE, but believable because God works the night shift.
"WOW! God is opening some doors for us to adopt this child! I will talk with the birth grandparents tonight and see if they want to proceed with this. They may have changed their minds and we will just pray for R. and her future."
"Deborah, where do the birth grandparents live? This agency in Atlanta will work with us."
"I never asked them, so I don't know. God will work that detail out for us, I'm sure of it."
On Monday evening, I called several times and decided to let it go until morning. No squeezing, no pushing, and no pleading.
Tuesday morning, October 17, 2000
It was a frantic start; Danielle needed to get to school 4 hours earlier than usual for a field trip. The car wouldn't start for some unknown reason, and when it finally did, I backed into a metal cabinet that Eddie had just finished painting. CLUNK and CRASH it went onto the gravel driveway. "E-gads" I thought as I surveyed the full bumper crease crunch I just placed into the once smooth white side…"Oh man, I gotta go…Oh great, just about out of gas too, well, I'll drop Danny at school and go get gas and my big coffee treat in life, a French Vanilla Cappuccino at the local Ampride store." As I tightened Danielle's pigtails before she hopped up the school side walk, I asked God to protect her once again and also…if this child is to become a part of our family--let it all FALL into place, which means into our laps. I couldn't help it, but I knew R. was to be ours, God was calling her into our family and she would still remain a part of her birth family grandparent's lives and I could live with that. In fact, I was completely at peace about it. I had to tell the lady at the Ampride store the potential good news and she just squealed with delight! My excitement was building, but I also knew that God is the Master Weaver in the tapestry of my life.
I came home about the same time that Eddie arrived home from a train he had just engineered into town. I told him all about the INCREDIBLE NO CHARGE news about this placement with GA. We then decided to call J. and I., the birth grandparents and let them know what we had learned and what we were willing to offer.
"Hello J., this is Deborah with Christian Adoption. I have reviewed the available couples on the web site and I don't have anyone that meets your criteria. But I have investigated GA adoption law via my attorney and can share this for your general information…although we do not have anyone on the web site that meets your criteria; I do know a couple/family that would gladly adopt R.--and that is us. Here is what we can offer your 2-year old grand daughter…here are our thoughts regarding discipline…here is what we think about ownership of children--they are ON LOAN to us…here is what we believe about their futures…here is how we feel about debt, money, toys, stuff for kids and for us…here is how we live financially…here is what we believe God is doing for us in answering our prayers for another child…(almost an hour later)…do you have any questions? We really want you to pray about this, because we don't want her if this is not from God."
I. was on the extension line and simply said, "I've heard all I need to hear, you are the family for our R."
J. said, "What you have just told me is a mirror of what we have prayed for and that God said we would find in an adoptive couple. Let us pray about this and discuss it and we will get back with you soon, very soon."
About 4 hours later, J. called back and said, "Let's proceed with this placement and let's do it as smoothly and quickly as possible. God has confirmed for us what we need to do and that you are the family." (More words were shared and many praises to God for His grace and mercy, but to respect the privacy of J. & I., I'm limiting their responses.)
"OH, WE ARE SO EXCITED AND THRILLED! YOU ARE NOT LOSING YOUR GRAND DAUGHTER, WE ARE GAINING A PRECIOUS CHILD AND MORE FAMILY! WE COULDN'T BE HAPPIER ABOUT YOUR DECISION. WE ALREADY LOVE HER AND PLEASE DON'T BUY HER ANY CLOTHES. I have saved the best of all of Danielle's clothes, shoes, hats, scarves, mittens, coats, play clothes and we have everything that she will need. We recently bought a set of bunk beds at a yard sale for Samuel's room and Danielle has a double bed in her room. We have EVERYTHING we need for R."
"God has paved the way for this child to come into your home," J. said. I contacted K. and we began the paperwork trail.
I went outside and found Danielle climbing on a truck bed and said, "Danny, for over 6 months you have been praying for 3 brothers and 2 sisters. Well, God is answering your prayer for one of those sisters--we're going to adopt R.!" Then I remembered that almost a week before, Danny had meticulously made 3 paperclip bracelets out of colored paperclips.
"Here Mom, do you like the 3 bracelets I made?"
"Yes, they are lovely. Who are they for?"
"One for you and one for me and one for my new sister."
"Honey, we don't have a sister for you yet."
"But she's coming. God is sending me a sister and this is for her."
"Okay precious, you are right, God is hearing our prayers for a sister and He will answer our prayers in His time."
NOW, it all made sense. Who was I to argue with the honest prayer of a 5-year old? Then, I remembered a statement I had made to my sister at the beginning of this year. "I don't know how, when, why, or where--but I know we will adopt another child in the year 2000." I had completely forgotten about saying that until this moment had arrived.
On Wednesday night I sent J. an E-mail asking about R.'s sizes and particular interests to prepare for a smoother transition for her. I also sent out an E-mail request (anonymously) to over 40 couples associated with CA, asking for personal reference information about Eddie & Deborah, and to respond to J. & I. at the listed E-mail address. I knew J. and I. needed reassurance as to whom we are and whether or not the 'open adoption' relationship we had agreed to, would be fulfilled by us. Receiving unsolicited reference information about us from others in CA would help ease their minds about our integrity. (The CA family came through in grand style--as usual!) (I have since mailed them another list of personal local references with addresses and phone numbers for additional confirmation.)
On Thursday, K. called to say we might have some challenges with locating birthmom T. and with her willingness to submit to the 30-minute interview. He said he had called the agency in GA to discuss our options to process ICPC without the interview, but with relinquishment by the birthmom. They would consider the situation and get back with him. My response was simple; "God will work it out." He called me within 5 minutes and said that GA would waive the birthmom interview and would be satisfied if the birth grandparents, who have been the primary providers for R.since birth, would appear for the interview. God was on the move again!
On Friday, J. called and we discussed some of the particulars of R.'s emotional and mental needs. The night before I. had said to her, "When R. moves in with Eddie & Deborah, and when she is out there in the country feeding the animals and collecting eggs, and Danielle is teaching her how to use a computer; she will no longer be bored and will thrive in their care." As J. and I talked about R., she cautioned me and told me how rebellious she was. I responded, "Well, I think she may be bored, and when she gets settled in with us and helps feed the animals, collects eggs, and Danielle teaches her how to use a computer; she won't be bored, she will thrive." J. then told me that was more mental confirmation for her, for her husband had said the same thing the night before! I shared my vision for R., my long term goals and vision for her life and J. almost cried--"That is EXACTLY what we see in her future and have prayed for her to become."
"J., nothing will stop this placement. The gates of hell may try to prevail against us, but God will move heaven and earth to cause this to come to pass. That is our conviction and it is yours. She belongs with us now."
"Yes, we have done all we can for her, now she is to come to your home and become a part of your family."
"J., you and I. will always be her grand parents and we will build on that relationship together. We can and will send photos, videos, you can call any time you want to, we will plan on visits back and forth, and she will never be denied her ties and roots to you. YOU are her birth family; we'll be her adoptive family. We are completely at peace with this arrangement and want only the best for R. Oh, by the way, where in Georgia do you live?"
"Atlanta."
More praises to our great God were exchanged between us and we knew we were all in the hollow of God's hand, in the center of His will, and that God would make a way for R. to find her way to us here in KS.
After J. and I hung up, K. called with shocking news. "In all my years in the adoption field, I have only known of one other case when this has happened. But GA is very willing and ready to help this placement take place. If J. & I. cannot find T., and they are willing to submit to the 30-minute hearing, and we submit paperwork to them: adoption placement due to abandonment, they are willing to push the adoption through--without any parental relinquishment signatures."
UNBELIEVABLE, but believable for God is still on the throne.
Sunday October 22, 2000
As of today; we are still moving, we don't know if T. has been found to sign relinquishment papers, and I have sorted through many boxes of clothes, coats, shoes, etc. for R. We know that we are gaining a daughter, and we have a target goal date to be holding her in our arms on November 10. There are many details to work out and lots of planning still to come. BUT, one reality is for sure--R. is an answer to prayer for us and we are fully committed to providing God's very best for her throughout her life. It is an awesome privilege to parent children. It is humbling and ever so gracious for God to entrust us with the life of another child. Is it kind of scary? No, for we walk hand in hand with our heavenly Father.
He is the Master Weaver of the tapestry in our lives. He chooses the pattern and the materials.
By His grace and mercy, we believe He has chosen to bless us with 3 golden threads.
JUST A LITTLE WHILE
October 29, 2000
As we come before the throne of grace anticipating God's deliverance in any situation, we ought to also be ready and willing to walk through the doors He opens for us. Often we stand at the threshold of that doorway and wait for Him to give us a shove. But God doesn't control people and shove them into deliverance. He leads, He guides, He directs and then He gives us the freedom of will to walk through the doors He provides and opens for our complete deliverance. When and if we choose not to walk through these doors of deliverance that God provides for our lives, we have no reason to whine and complain--we have brought the consequences of disobedience upon ourselves.
We will not be adopting our already loved and cherished daughter, R., whom we planned to rename Hannah R.
A brother and sister in Christ prayed for deliverance in their lives and for the life of their granddaughter and God directed them to us. God answered their every prayer for a Christian family that would unconditionally love and nurture their little R. The door of deliverance was provided and opened for them. However, they have chosen to not cross over the threshold and reap the benefits of His complete deliverance.
Friday October 27, 2000
We had not heard from J. & I. for a week. I had E-mailed them every other day: a page of over 20 names, addresses, and phone numbers of references (to add to the list of almost 40 references we had already provided); a contract agreement defining our 'open adoption' relationship (photos, letters, phone calls, vacations together every other year, visits to our home, videos); a note describing the photo album I was working on to send to them to help R. get to know us visually; the "Weaver" piece I had written; and they had received adoption papers from our attorney via snail mail. When J. called early on Friday morning, I listened for the first 30 minutes and I silently shed tears. Then for the next 30 minutes I tried to help her 'see' their shortsighted perspective and re-define the clear direction that God had provided for R. and for them. They were stuck on one main point--that relinquishment of rights for adoption was permanent--our adoption of R. would be permanent. (An overlooked detail?) This of course, is the crux of the adoption process--an adoptive couple willingly assumes all medical, educational, food, clothing, shelter, and emotional responsibilities for another child. Adoption is not a form of 'glorified babysitting' but the releasing of rights to raise a child due to a lack of funds, physical health, family support, emotional stability, mental willingness, educational understanding about children/family or because God has clearly answered the prayer in the hearts of birth parents as to what is the BEST environment for their child. I was detailed in clarifying what we were willing and ready to do for them, for R., and for R.'s 7-year-old sister. I was definite about our need to obey God's direction and to walk through the doors of deliverance that HE makes plainly available. I was tough in my resolution and dedication to R., and I was blatantly clear on what kind of future lie ahead for R.--with us and probably with them. (Since I already was privy to many details in their family life, as well as their financial and physical status, I was certain but not arrogant in my presentation.) J. and I. agreed to what I shared but did not want the placement to be permanent and so we ended that 'eternally long' hour phone call on a "we'll get back with you" note. About 30 minutes later, they called back and decided that they wanted to come live with us for about a week to see how R. fit into our lives. I listened once again, realizing that they had not considered the multiple details involved in such a suggestion. Then with my heart in my hand I itemized these details: you will be responsible to pay for all your own airfare, car rental (we don't have a vehicle that could accommodate their size), motel expense, misc. spending money, and some meals. My guess-ta-ment was about $1,800.00-$2,000.00. With that suggested figure, I asked them what they hoped to accomplish in 5 short days. "We want to see if R. will gladly run to you", "We want to see if R. will obey you", "We want to see if we can leave and R. not cry." To which I patiently described that such a trial run would not be reality--for their very presence would prevent probable or positive responses. It was ludicrous to expect their granddaughter to bond, obey, and willingly walk away from them and into my arms; in their presence and within 5 days. I also explained our reluctance to put our family, Danielle in particular, into a 'test drive' situation, when she had already been gathering toys, books, and clothes from her own drawers to share/give to R. The next 30 minutes of that phone call was answering their very specific questions as to how to teach R. to obey. I gave them detailed examples, emphasizing that if R. (children in general) are not taught how to obey their parents whom they can see, how will they learn to obey God whom they cannot see. They asked us if we would adopt T.'s baby that was to be born about Christmas time (they just found out about this pregnancy a mere 24 hours beforehand) as a substitute for R. My answer was firm, "No, you have already shared with me in previous calls that T. has been on the streets doing drugs and so this will be a drug baby. Additionally, God provided you with answers for R.'s welfare and benefit, not for a baby that you knew nothing about 2 days ago. Also, we are fully responsible and committed to provide the best environment for the 2 children God has blessed us with, and could not with a clear conscious bring a drug affected baby into our home." This lengthy phone call ended with another "we'll get back with you" conclusion. As I hung up the phone, I knew that there was never going to be a Hannah R. in my physical arms and I was mentally exhausted.
Eddie and I gathered up our 2 kids, who now had more miraculous meaning to us than ever before, and we left our property. We needed time to get away from the phones and to start sifting through the conversations. So we headed out of town and ended up at a Wal-Mart Super Center, passing out CA cards to every soul that even looked at our kids. It was good to give and not to simply focus on what we knew we were missing. As we spent time at a local carnival, set up for this 'unholy' holiday in the year, we silently noticed every African American girl present. Was that what our Hannah R. looked like? Was that what she was going to grow up to look like? Could that girl have been ours? The questions are endless and there are no answers. It's a form of self-inflicted torture, but part of the grieving process. We went to sleep that night with unanswered questions and exhausted 'thinkers'.
Saturday October 28, 2000
I knew that as a family we needed to let go of R. as quickly as possible. However, that didn't mean cease to pray for her all the days of our lives, but rather to not continue to build the anticipation of her arrival. Cleaning 'her' clothes out of the closet and boxing up 'her' stuff is absolutely essential in order to let go. My emotions ran hot with anger, eyes were warmed by inexplicable tears, and an objective coldness occasionally gripped my heart. All indicators of the grieving process and all completely normal. In the evening we received confirmation from J. and I.--they were keeping R. and our contact with them would cease.
The final word had come.
Sunday October 29, 2000
So many things go through the mind while in the grieving process. For those that have never adopted a child, it is hard to understand why adoptive couples grieve over or for children that were never in their arms or loving care. The answer is simple--love is a decision not a feeling, not something automatic or innate in the heart of man. We love because we choose to love. God clearly defines throughout His Word how to manifest and how to walk in love. We then have the freedom of will to walk in that love towards once another. The world has distorted this agape love and re-defined it based on feelings, romance, sex or equity--which it is not. Adoptive couples understand experientially that to love is a conscious decision. We already loved Hannah R.; she was already in our hearts and in our lives. We talked about her throughout each day and we fervently prayed for her. She was already 'our daughter' and already a part of our family. However brief, she was ours. One of our Christian Adoption couples had been 'matched' with a birthmother for quite some time and they had earnestly prayed and loved that baby boy while he was in vitro. When he was born and the birthmom did not place him with them, they grieved the loss of 'their' Jeremy, who would always live in their hearts. They had once had a son named Jeremy, just as we have had a daughter named Hannah R. She was ours for just a little while, about 10 days, but she was ours.
The mind searches to find answers to unanswerable questions and becomes weary. At some point, it becomes futile to try to figure out 'life'. We must press on and continue to trust and obey. I've thought of those few lines from William Wordsworth lengthy poem, An Ode to ???? (can't remember the title and haven't located it in any of my poetry books, but it is the foundation for the movie, Splendor in the Grass with Natalie Wood)…for splendor in the grass and glory of the flower…we will grieve not but rather find, strength in what remains behind…
In the midst of adversity we can remain thankful and are commanded to abound with thanksgiving. And so, I am thankful for so much, but in light of this experience--more specifically these things.
I am thankful that as I hung up the phone with J. the first time, Eddie arrived home, even though he wasn't supposed to be home until hours later.
I am thankful that we were touched by the life of this child whom we will never see (in this lifetime), but that we can and will pray for, the rest of our lives.
I am thankful that we received a final word from the grandparents, so we are not wondering.
I am thankful that I have been made aware again, in vivid ways, the frustration, anxiety, disappointment, anguish, grief and pain that adoptive couples experience. This has been a living 'refresher' course.
I am thankful for the changes that we have made in the life of R., for we now know that she may be taught how to obey by her grandparents.
I am thankful for the hugs and the physical touch that R. now enjoys because of my conversations with her grandmother. (In one of my initial conversations with J., I had shared how important it would be for me to bond with R. after she was placed with us. That I would exclusively hold her in my arms or by the hand for several months to build that bond between us; as I had done with Danielle [adopted at 16 months]. She later confided that she had never heard of the term "bonding" until I told her about it. That she had never held or hugged her own children, T. in particular. She had been taught by her mother that if you held/hugged your children that they would grow up and be more promiscuous. So J. had not held/hugged her children or her grandchildren. However, after hearing me talk to her about bonding, she had spent time holding/hugging R. in the past 10 days, and R. was responding to that love. Although I was absolutely speechless to learn of this reality in their lives, I thank God that R. is now enjoying the human touch and comfort that a child craves.) How much long term, life long effect this will have upon R.'s life and the lives of her children for generations to come, only our great God knows.
I am thankful that I have the presence of mind to share our life experience with others.
I am thankful that our family unit is stronger as a result of this disappointment/adversity in our lives.
I am thankful that we were ready and we were willing to respond to God's call with no limitations.
I am thankful for the additional time I spent in prayer regarding this entire situation and for others also living through similar challenges.
I am thankful that the healing of our hearts comes from God with time and that I don't need to understand why--I only need to remain faithful to trust and obey Him.
For just a little while, we had a daughter named Hannah R. Hill. The golden thread I had envisioned to be lifetime long was only a small knot, but nonetheless it is a golden knot in the tapestry of our lives.
After I shared this lengthy testimony with our CA family, Ashley sent me the following message of love and tenderness.
I wanted to write something for you that would touch your hearts. The following is something I wrote for you this evening. I hope it touches your heart.
Love,
Jeff & Ashley
FOREVER IN OUR HEARTS
I’ve never even met you,
Though you’re tucked in my heart forever.
I was prepared to shower you with kisses and hugs,
And share a beautiful life together.
Was it my plan? Not really,
But God spoke and I listened.
And once I heard what He had planned,
My heart sang and my eyes glistened.
A little child to call my own,
Oh Lord, How great thou art.
There’s so much to do to get prepared.
Better hurry, Can’t wait to start.
Oh What a joy you brought to us,
Though we never saw your smile.
You touched our lives,
Though you were only ours for just a little while.
We got the call informing us,
That you would not be ours to keep.
I hit my knees in great despair,
All I could do was pray and weep.
The Lord, as always, has given me strength,
And He is helping me understand,
It was His will that I, in some way touch your life,
Even if I never get to hold your hand.
It may be years before I know,
Just how I helped you child.
But even if it is in Eternity,
I’ll know that it was worthwhile.
God gives us strength to carry on
Through experiences we face each day.
And I’ll use mine to help someone
I meet along the way.
My heartache will not be in vain,
God has a special plan.
And I will allow Him to work through me,
Though I may not understand.
God, thank you for this precious child,
That’s tucked inside my heart.
What a blessing she has been,
Oh, Lord, How Great Thou Art!
Written For: Eddie & Deborah
By: Ashley
10/29/00
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