IN HIS TIME

Tabitha shares her heart.  

Names & locations have been changed to protect privacy.

It was Mother's day 1999, and I was driving home from St. Louis. I didn't do Mother's Day in church because it was too awful - sitting through a sermon praising mothers and watching them stand proudly when called. They were given flowers and they often sat surrounded by the generations of children and grandchildren they had been blessed with. I was 29 now, and I had been trying to get pregnant for 10 months with no success. In March I discovered that I had a luteal phase defect, which explained a lot, and now we were trying again with our newfound knowledge. I felt awful, terribly nauseated but I didn't have a fever. I was just exhausted, but it was early afternoon and had slept well the night before. When the dizziness started, I turned the wheel over to my best friend Jana, who was grinning madly but wouldn't tell me why. She knew that I was pregnant. I thought that I was just having a long cycle. At home that night, I took a home pregnancy test. I was shocked to see a faint pink line - very faint. I distinctly remember Mick looking like a deer caught in the headlights of an oncoming vehicle when I told him. But he adjusted fairly quickly. My doctor confirmed the pregnancy on Monday. I called my mother, I called the church, I told my work that I would be leaving work late in December. My boss got that same "deer in the headlights" look, but everyone was thrilled for us. Those days were the absolute happiest in my life. I loved morning sickness, I loved feeling tired, I loved it when I got dizzy. I gained a cup size, which I did not enjoy. I felt warm and fuzzy and I was desperately in love. I awoke on Friday the 14th, feeling invigorated. I felt so well that I went to the gym and did a light workout, showered and went to work. The bleeding started at around 11 a.m. and by noon the hard contractions had started. My blood tested HCG negative, the ultrasound showed that the pregnancy was gone, and my doctor assured me that this wasn't uncommon, especially for a woman pregnant for her first time a few months shy of 30. Next time things would be fine. The next few months were horrible. Everyone had to be told, which was humiliating, and I had severe cramping almost every day for a month. My body didn't give up on being pregnant until September. In October we conceived again, but in early November I made my first appointment and my blood test came out negative. I started bleeding soon after leaving the OB/GYN's office, and so the results were not a surprise. On Christmas day we conceived our third child, but things were going wrong right away, in retrospect. Of course, with two failed pregnancies, I didn't know what was successful and normal as opposed to what was failing. Now I know that I made only two days worth of the hormones required to sustain and implant, and that my body was trying to rid itself of the pregnancy. It was used to miscarrying and that was what it tried to do. I held on to that pregnancy for five and a half weeks, but knew at day 31 that I was in trouble hormone wise. According to my beta HCG, I was only one week gestational. I had to wait over the weekend for another test, but by the time that blood work came back, I was in bed miscarrying again. It was January 17th, just two days short of my initial January 19th due date on my first pregnancy. I had simply never known this magnitude of grief before. My anger was almost as consuming as my sadness. There was no escape, not in work and certainly not in sleep. I started receiving birth congratulatory notes from magazines that somehow knew about the first pregnancy. I railed angrily, asking God why this was happening to me? Why He was allowing it. Didn't He love me? Why were teenage, unwed, drug addicted, abusive, you-name-it, women blessed with fertile wombs when mine was cursed? Every time someone said the word abortion I would break down sobbing. I had to stop watching the news for fear that I would see abused, abandoned, or dead children. Life, as I saw it, was torture - I had no happiness in anything and I felt that I had failed my husband terribly. This lasted for about two weeks, and when I was at my lowest point I got down on my knees and begged God for forgiveness and guidance. I knew that my anger was wrong, but I couldn't release it by myself. I didn't want to hurt anymore. I prayed, "Abba, please help me. If I cannot bear children of my own body, I can accept that. But I need to know or I will die. I need to have peace in my life. Is it Your will that I adopt?" I was immediately filled with the Spirit - I was cold but not even slightly uncomfortable. I was at peace and it was beautiful (although the mourning still continued for months and Mothers Day 2000 fell on the 1-year anniversary of losing my first pregnancy). In that moment I knew God's will for my life, and I knew right where to go.

In late May 1999, I was web surfing, which I never do. I came across Christian Adoption very early on, and to say that I was captivated is an understatement. I couldn't explain my interest - after all, lots of women lose their first baby and it was far too soon to be considering adoption. But I still read lots of the onsite material and decided to call Deborah. Bless her heart, she must have thought I was crazy-a 29 year old woman who had one miscarriage and had plunged into looking at adoption. Well, it was just my way of trying to take control of something that was out of my control. So, I tried to get her to talk me into adoption - and she wouldn't do it! Doggone - how's she going to make any money if she won't try to get people signed onto her service? Yes, I know I read that she wouldn't try to sell me on the idea, but I didn't really believe that! She knew I was not yet ready for adoption, and told me so. I was still grieving and pursuing a pregnancy. So I said goodbye and started visiting the pages every week or so, learning as much as I could and reading about the people on the site. I finally just book marked it. I can't tell you how much the site helped me heal from each miscarriage. It wasn't even written from that perspective, but God was speaking to me through the stories on the site. So, when I received the calling to adopt, I went to the site and started working on what needed to be done. My husband though, he wasn't really "on the bus." He wanted to test and see what was wrong. Patience is not one of my spiritual gifts - in fact, I've never even heard of it. God said, "Wait! When he is ready it will be TIME! Mick needs to exhaust your options first." So, test, test, test. According to the doctors, nothing is wrong except the progesterone. The first pregnancy corrected the luteal phase problem - but there is something odd. They find that they cannot easily perform tests on my uterus because it automatically expels whatever is inside it - balloons, water, dye, etc.... In fact, they are stumped because they've never seen anything like it before. But, they assured me that it shouldn't be a problem. I knew otherwise but for Mick, I gave it my all, which meant half of every month on progesterone, which made me very ill and very mean (think of the worst PMS in the world for 2 ½ weeks straight). Three months was enough for him, and he told me on July 18 that it was his belief (he had been praying about it all along!) that the Lord meant for us to adopt. Hallelujah! I E-mailed Deborah the next day and let her know we were on our way. I sent her every piece of poetry honoring birthmothers that I had written in the last 6 months - the Lord truly changed my heart concerning birthmothers, a miracle that I still cannot fathom. I told her that we would be sending in our profile during the second week of August. It was like I was talking to a different person! She was so receptive this time, and so incredibly welcoming! I believe the Lord placed her in my path the first time around to stop me but not put me off, and placed her beside me the second time - to walk with me. I am so thankful that God works through her. I don't even think she's aware of it most of the time! So I petitioned for reference letters and gathered up my information and was content to wait, especially when disasters started happening at work. My spectrophotometer broke, at the worst possible point in the entire year, and because of it I knew I was tied to work for at least another month and a half. I contemplated putting off registration even longer. There were no replacements available in the entire country, not even any loaner models from the supplier. I was on a waiting list and could not expect shipment until August 10 at the earliest. I prayed but didn't expect anything. Add to that 2 weeks minimum of programming and then a full month of work to comply with a yearly EPA audit and well, it just wasn't going to happen. To say the least, I was disappointed. I went home Friday feeling confused and tired. Monday morning came, and I was still feeling a bit sorry for myself. I turned on Christian radio and listened to Focus on the Family. The story was a 2-day testimonial about a serial mis-carrier who adopted a little girl from China. I immediately fell to my knees and thanked the Lord for sending me this message of hope. There is no doubt in my mind that it was God's mercy on me. Later that day, the spectrophotometer showed up. If I had never believed in miracles before, I am now cured of that. THERE WERE NONE - ANYWHERE. We were at the very end of the waiting list. That machine shipped immediately after we called. Hach can't even explain how it got here - computer goof, they think. God, I know. There is not a doubt in my mind about that. Programming went enormously well, even though I had a bad cold and could hardly think. Again, God's intervention. I couldn't have programmed it alone with a cold; it's far too complicated. I could hardly tie my own shoes that week. Wednesday, responses to the letters I sent out to CA references started pouring in. Stories that touched my heart and many, many things said that only God could know that I needed to hear. He worked through so many of the CA family. Thursday came and another Focus on the Family story about adoption. This time it was about a woman who had been raped and gave up her newborn for adoption. The program was so positive about adoption that my heart soared, but as always, my joy is tempered by the pain of the birthmother. Thursday night came, and as I prepared to watch my regular show, I developed a distinct aversion to it. I did not want to see it (in fact, I haven't watched it since). I flipped to PAX and found the show "It's a Miracle." It was a story about God's intervention in adoption. I started bawling - progesterone tears are the worst! I said, "Okay God - you win! I'll send in my registration on Tuesday!" Evidently this satisfied Him because He started leaving me alone. (He does this to me every once in a while when He really wants me to do something - this is the third time - He really wanted me to move to Idaho badly, and nearly drove me crazy before I acquiesced. He also kept me from jeopardizing my relationship with Mick when we were engaged by stopping me from taking a hot job with Sun Oil near Atlanta - they closed the plant six months later and I ended up in aerospace research instead.) So now I'm here. I don't know why I have to be here right now, but I am here. I know that God has plans for Mick and I, but I am clueless as to what they entail (other than, prayerfully, a child). I feel that my ministry for infertile Christians is part of His plan, and I have come to terms with the fact that I can be a more sympathetic and effective counselor and teacher if my infertility is unresolved. I'm not exactly thrilled about that, but I am at peace about submitting to God's will. God bless everyone in the CA family and thank you for your kindness.

Love,

Tabitha

For more information please read Eyes and Viewpoints. We encourage you to prayerfully consider registering with our service, and/or writing to us.

adoption@christianadoption.com 

Go to web site index

Return to main page

1.800.277.7006       620.251.4405

Deborah S. Hill   P.O. Box 243   Coffeyville, KS  67337    

  www.christianadoption.com       adoption@christianadoption.com

Click here to get an adoption or IVF loan!

© All rights reserved CHRISTIAN ADOPTION