A LETTER TO A BIRTHMOTHER & HER MOTHER (BIRTH GRANDMOTHER)
This encouraging letter was written by one of our Christian Adoption couples to assist a new teenage birthmom and her mother. All names have been changed to protect the privacy of those involved.
(Another successful adoption associated with Christian Adoption.)
Dear Cathy and Carla,
I am writing to you at the request of a close friend of your sister/aunt. I am a little hesitant to share because I am aware that you have not asked me to do so and I, in no way, want to hurt, offend, or cause you anymore pain in an already painful and very emotional time. My name is Lynne and I am a recent adoptive Mommy. The close friend of your aunt happens to be one of the birth grandmothers of my precious baby girl, Sarah. I understand that you all are born again Christians, so I am thrilled to be able to share our story and all the miracles that the Lord did for us and for our daughter's birthfamilies.
My husband and I are both born again believers. We met in our early 30's and have now been married 4 1/2 years. I knew from female difficulties complicated by diabetes that for us to have a baby the natural way would only happen through a direct miracle and that we would most likely have to build the family we both wanted through adoption. So we knew this from the start of our marriage and were spared all the years of searching for reasons and expensive infertility treatments that many couples longing to be parents have to go through. We have prayed about God's direction and leading in our adoption since we were married and especially during the last two years.
I had some family experience with adoption. My mother was adopted into a loving Christian family where she always knew she was adopted and specifically chosen to be their little girl. She always felt good about that and knew that God had placed her with her family for a special reason. Also, my sister-in-law was adopted into a family who later came to know the Lord. Both of their adoptions and experiences were relatively easy and positive compared to the many heart-rending stories we hear all the time now about adoptions and searchings in the media. We know that my mom's birthmom was a teen saying goodbye to her soldier boyfriend in WWII and that my sister-in-law's birthmother was a very young teen.
What I found out when I started researching adoption on the Internet 2 years ago was that adoption has changed and our adoption experience would not be the same as my families. The biggest change in American adoptions right now is a huge swing toward some level of openness. First of all, because single parenthood is so much more tolerated, many more birthmoms are exploring what it means to chose adoption as a gift for their babies rather than having adoption be demanded of them whether they want it or not; as happened frequently in the past. So now, many young moms who find themselves pregnant at a time they never planned they would, can decide what situation is the best possible gift they can give to their baby who they love dearly despite the circumstances of their baby's arrival. Not only that, but many birthmoms who consider adoption are encouraged to dream about what type of family they would want their child to grow up in and then to hand pick that family from profiles of many waiting couples hoping with all their hearts to become parents. All this was quite a change of thinking about adoption for me, but that is exactly what happened with us.
Our birthmom was 17 and a junior in high school living in Europe when she found out she was expecting a baby. Her family and the baby's father's family had a lot to think through. I am sure you can relate to this part. I think that she had so many options that her head was probably spinning. She had support to keep the baby, her older married sister and brother-in-law wanted to raise the baby until she was done with schooling and more grown up, the baby's birthfather's family wanted to raise the baby, couples from their church and from their European location offered to adopt and a few offered large sums of money. Of course, abortion was a lurking option as well for a young teen.
This is where I believe God stepped into the picture. Bad things, poor judgement, and sinful behaviors do happen to God's kids. Both our birthmom and birthfather are young Christians raised in good, believing, church-going families. Our birthmom's mother was in full time ministry to women. I know that the Turner's, our birthfather's family are intending to write to you with their side of this story and their feelings about adoption and their first grandchild. So I won't assume to tell their story. I do know that our birthmother repented, confessed, and prayed without ceasing for direction. She knew 3 things she wanted with all her heart for her baby. 1.To be raised in a loving Christian home where Christ would be honored, taught, celebrated ,and shared with her daughter. 2. She wanted her baby to grow up with a Daddy who was very involved with her life and there all the time. (She was raised in a single parent household and knew the pain of longing for a Daddy.) 3. She wanted this baby girl to know how much she loved her and prayed for her and planned the best she knew how for her future.
At the same time, here in the states, my husband and I, our Christian family members and our closest friends were praying about our adoption. I had a few specific prayer requests myself. I wanted our adoption to clearly be a God deal. I wanted there to be no question about the miracle of how our child was placed into our family. I wanted to be able to be a blessing to a young Christian girl and her family. I wanted us to be able to bring them some sense of comfort, relief, and assurance. I also knew that I had been a sincere teenage believer and that such a decision could too easily have been my own to have to make.
God in His ultimate wisdom and loving kindness answered all of our prayers and brought us together through a very unique ministry. Somehow we had to find each other an ocean away. I had stumbled upon http://www.christianadoption.com during my research of adoption options on the Internet. It is a ministry started by a strong Christian family devoted and called to help other Christian couples through the adoption process. They do 2 main things (and lots of others smaller things as well). First, they have an Internet ministry web site as a place to share all kinds of information about adoption and Christian perspectives on adoption and a place for Christian couples to post their letters of introduction to potential birthmoms. These are called profile letters or Dear birthparent letters. The next biggest thing that they do is to commit themselves to daily 'stand in the gap' and pray fervently for each couple, birthfamily, and adoption. They strongly believe, as we do, that God is the author of adoption. It was His plan to send His Son to die for us so that we could have the privilege of being God's adopted children with all the rights and privileges of His own. And as the author of adoption, we believe that God blesses it and honors it.
Our birthmom's mother's friend found Christian Adoption on the Internet and shared it with them. They contacted the director and then prayed for a month before our birthmom started contacting Chrisitan families whose profiles she read and was drawn to, from the postings on Christian Adoption. We corresponded by E-mail with her for over a month, before she narrowed her decision to 2 couples and another good month before chosing us for the privilege and responsibility of parenting her baby. During that time, I wanted my attitude to be one of just being there for her, blessing and encouraging her however I could, not just so that she would choose us, but because it was my prayer to be used of God to encourage a young sister in the Lord in the middle of a difficult situation. It is an awesome, overwhelming experience to hear someone say I am entrusting my child to you to nurture and parent and share Jesus with in order to give her a bright hope and a future. Wow! I pray daily that God will enable us to live up to that. We had 3 more months to get to know each other and 2 weeks before the baby came we got together for a weekend to meet face to face. God did miracle after miracle to get them back safely to the U.S., to give them a wonderful place to live in a Christian home in the best state in America for friendly adoption laws, and to let us all know beyond a doubt that He was directing all of us. We went to church together that weekend and get this--their pastor for the first time they had ever heard preached a sermon on adoption and shared how 2 of his children had been adopted and how he had recently gotten to join his daughter while she visited her son's birth mother for the first time. Coincidence? We think not!
We have all chosen a pretty high level of openness in our adoption. My husband and I were more willing to tread these waters because everyone involved were professing believers and we had Christ in common and we had the experience of all His miracles fitting our lives together, and we had months of a relationship already. So we continue to E-mail, send photos, and letters. We visited with our birthmom when we returned to her state to finalize the adoption. This past summer our daughter's birthfather and grandfather came to visit us. This Thanksgiving, we will only be several hours away from our birthmom and she and her mom are coming to see us for a day. We have plans for Gayle to be able to visit with us after they return to the States (paternal birth grandmother). Our daughter's paternal birth great grandmother made her an heirloom gown and we had her portrait taken in it and have been in touch with them by E-mail. Like any new family arrangement, not every moment has been smooth. We have all had our tense moments, but that is life. We will continue to be open to our daughter's birthfamily as long as she is in no danger and I can't see that ever happening. Our goal is for all of us to keep Christ at the center and to ask what is best for Sarah. She will not grow up with secrets or whispers. She will not remember a time when she didn't know that her birthfamily loves her dearly and planned for her best interests and celebrated her with gifts - I am saving everything! The unusualness of our openness is the price we pay to have this precious gift to give our daughter.
I know that Gayle wanted me to share on what a complete joy it is to have Sarah in our family. I almost don't know how to do that. She is now 7 1/2 months old and has been with us since she was 9 days old. I can't remember life without her --well I can't imagine her not being a part of our family now. I am her mother. She has brought us so many smiles and laughs, hours of rocking to sleep, hours of lost sleep, that protective instinct of a mother for her child, a higher sense of purpose, a sense of wholeness, belonging, awesome responsibilty, and more love than I could ever imagine. She has brought to us what every child who is wanted, longed for, and prayed for brings to any couple--and so much more, because we are aware of how God granted us the answer to our prayers in such a miraculous, beautiful way. This doesn't begin to tell what she has meant to my parents as their only grandchild after 15 years of waiting and to our other extended family members. Her great uncle thinks she walks on water! He can't get enough of her. There is no way to adequately express what she means to all of us and the great joy that she has added to our lives. Our birthmom gave us the biggest gift possible outside of God's salvation. I will spend a lifetime thanking her.
That is the gist of our wonderful story. It is unique, as is everyone of these situations and precious children. Only you through prayer can know what option God has planned for your little one's life, your life, and the lives of your family. Only you can begin to judge how much support you need and is available to you. I have added you both to our prayer list as well as your little one. Babies are a precious gift no matter what the circumstances of their arrival. Remember what others thought of the arrival of our Lord --but what a blessed event! I guess if I have an agenda in writing and sharing it is to make sure that you all know all of God's good options for your situation and are informed and have prayed thoroughly about every door that God might lead you to walk through. Also, I want to say that my experience has been that grandparents, especially grandmothers, feel first the loss of grandchildren by adoption whether it is their first grandchild or one of many. I think grandmother's know so much --pregnancy, birth, motherhood, helping adult children, almost adult children, and just what daily experiences are sacrificed in placement with another family. Those thoughts, feelings, and pain are very real. I wonder what our Heavenly Father felt as He released His only son to another family? Tough things to think about. I hope that you will take a look at the Christian Adoption web site even if you have to go to the library to get on the computer for Internet access. They have added so much information, testimonies from some birthmoms, and from birth grandmothers that I think you will find interesting.
Thanks for taking the time to listen to the story of a stranger; although, I consider myself to be your sister in Christ. We will be praying for you and for peace in all of your decisions and for the health of your baby. Little girls are such gifts! I'd love another one myself! Please feel free to write back with any thoughts or questions. Again, I in no way want to offend you--but rather to inform you and share our story.
In Him,
David & Lynne
For more information please read Agenda and Order. We encourage you to prayerfully consider registering with our service, and/or writing to us.
adoption@christianadoption.com
A non-profit Christian and Internet
service ministry. We're helping others in the adoption
process.
1.800.277.7006 620.251.4405
Eddie & Deborah S. Hill P.O. Box 243 Coffeyville, KS 67337
www.christianadoption.com adoption@christianadoption.com
