Created Especially For Me
Stacy hopes that 'sharing from her heart' will help other birthmothers considering placement.
Some names have been changed to protect privacy.
From Mick & Tabitha: Our birthmother, Stacy, gave us permission to share her testimony. We pray and believe that birthmothers that come to Christian Adoption will be blessed by her tender story. Stacy's mother and I, the adoptive mother-to-be, cried a river of tears when we read this. We are so proud of our Stacy!
(Another successful adoption associated with Christian Adoption.)
Created Especially For Me
It was another fight. It was another day turning from God. Another day ignoring my Christian family, friends, and Youth Pastor. I had run back giving my body and mind to him once again. I just wouldn't trust in God, and He knew that it would come down to consequence. But for me, I was waiting for him to change; to give his heart to the Lord, to understand me, to love me again and hurt me again, to say sorry once again. The lying, the hurt, the fright, the police, the court dates...and then going back to him again. How I must have tore at Jesus' heart day after day. How blind, ignorant, and naive I had been. All I had to do was say NO, all I had to do was trust in God, all I had to do was end it...but was it that easy?
Is it that easy to say goodbye to the one who you think you love, is it easy to say goodbye to your last friend that you have, is it easy when you are being manipulated, emotionally abused, and told that you're loved and that he will change? Yes, it could have been easy. If I would have trusted in the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind.
I have received a consequence because I had sinned, but God also answered prayer at the same time. He removed my ex-boyfriend from my life to make it easier to stay away from him, just like I had prayed. On July 30th he was arrested for drunk driving and a hit and run involving injury. God removed him and I was no longer afraid that I would see him again when I was trying so hard to stay away from him.
* * *
I woke up again in fear. I walked in fear, I ate in fear...I knew I was pregnant. But I prayed God would remove this from me, I prayed not to be pregnant. Finally, at the end of August I took a pregnancy test and was pregnant. Why had I given my body to anyone but God? Why didn't I listen to anyone? Why did I have sex before marriage? Now I was dealing with the consequence that you get when you don't save your purity for marriage, for the one God has created just for you.
A few days later I had a doctor appointment which my aunt accompanied me to. I was scared. I felt sleazy. I felt guilt from not obeying God. I was having an ultrasound done because I was having pain. The nurse left the room to get film, and I prayed to my heavenly Father and cried out. I prayed..."Dear Lord, please calm my heart. Lord please show me you are here with me, I am so scared. Lord please fill your presence in me. Be here with me." The nurse came back and after a few long minutes I was told I was having twins. I was terrified. Wow, I thought God was really punishing me. He was not going to ever let me forget this one.
I got dressed and went to the bathroom. All I could do now was turn to God in prayer...I asked Him many times, "Why now?" Here I was handed a valuable and precious gift, the gift of life of two unborn babies, but I felt I was inadequately fit to give them all they needed and deserved on top of continuing my education and pursuing the dreams and goals I had. My question to God was, "Why have you given me this gift when there are good people out there ready and waiting for the same gift but finding their lives and their arms to be empty?" My heart went out to those who could not bear children, who may never have the chance to experience the ultimate joy of having and raising not only one child but even two!
Moments later my aunt was knocking continuously on the door. I opened it, and she had found a black hills gold cross pendant outside the ultrasound room. I started to cry, and told her my prayer. God is with me. God was not punishing me. It was my fault, my consequence. That's when I felt His presence. That's when I knew it was time to turn away from all of my sexual sin. I knew there was only one more answer left, and that was to repent; to turn from all my selfish desires and seek God.
That day God had told me that He would be with me through everything, all I had to do was repent, trust in Him, and follow His will. That's when I knew for sure God's plan was for my babies to be adopted. I had received the peace. I knew God had some family already out there hand picked to raise my two babies, and they would be the happiest couple in the whole world fulfilling what I was unable to give.
I look at the love of God and I can't believe He's loved me like He has, and this realization motivated me to change my life. That is the nature of repentance.
* * *
God has a plan for everything we do, and once He knew I wasn't obeying, He was preparing His plan for the next 9 months of my life, and beyond. Jeremiah 29:11-13 says: "I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me!" What an awesome reassurance that is!
* * *
For the next few days I had two things on my mind. A family for my babies and school. I was going to be a freshman at the UWM, and now I had a pregnancy to put first.
I prayed and prayed everyday, all the time for God to show me who the family was and where they were. My mom had spent a night on the Christian Adoption web site on the Internet printing out profiles of couples that sounded nice. I read two. I didn't want to read anymore. I was scared. How on earth was I supposed to know who would take care of my babies? Who would make the best parents? Who could I trust? I continued each day in prayer that God would show me who the family was that would raise my babies. I didn't look back at those profiles until weeks later.
My family didn't want me to go to school. They wanted me to stay home with them. I refused to miss out. I was so excited; I had been looking forward to it for the past year. Well I went to UWM for a month. God would not provide any money for me to stay. There was no money coming from loans or anywhere. The financial aid office couldn't even help me. Why was God going to make me go home now too? My last day in the dorms, I prayed and cried. What was I going to do for the rest of the school year? What was I going to do? If only I knew at that time, it was all going to be perfect and it was all in God's plan.
The first weekend actually at UWM was not what I had expected. I disliked it. Everyone was drunk, everywhere people smoked. All I wanted to do was protect my babies and meet someone who didn't want to party. Now I know God planned it like that. He wanted me to dislike it. God's plan was not for me to attend that school to get my degree anyway. However, it was God's plan for me to attend for one month. He brought along my path the most amazing friend in all this world, his name is Benjamin. Now I didn't know that this guy was going to grow in my heart and soul. I didn't know that God had plans for us. God had brought us together at just the perfect time in each others lives...and we remain growing together in the Lord to this day.
Once I returned home, thoughts of the birthfather had been torturing my mind. I needed to tell him I was pregnant. But I didn't think it was fair. He was in jail, it wasn't my fault, why does he need to know? I didn't want to see him or have talk to him. I was afraid he would reject the adoption.
The next week I went to the County Jail and told him through glass and a telephone that I was pregnant with twins. He told me that day he would never put his babies up for adoption. I put my trust in the Lord and ignored what his thoughts and feelings were on the situation. I think he was being selfish and not thinking for the sake of our babies. I knew neither him nor I were not well enough equipped financially, emotionally, psychologically, or even physically able to meet the needs of our babies. He wouldn't take any of this into consideration.
At this time in both of our lives I felt we were both being stretched to the limit meeting the responsibilities of the gifts or situations we had already been given. Once again I had turned to prayer as I was driving home from the jail. "These children need and deserve so much more than I can give. Why then have you given me a gift that so many other people are prepared for and praying for?" And in that prayer I came to feel I was answering my own question, there are people much more prepared for such a gift but for many reasons physically unable to conceive. Perhaps these beautiful babies were not a gift to me or their father. Now it was clear to me. This wasn't our gift but a gift for two wonderful people who can fulfill my dream for my babies to have the life they deserve, and in return placing them in their care to fulfill their long awaited dream. If I were to raise my babies, I would be taking away a chance for them to have a normal life, full of security and well being of both a mother and a father who are in love and have the energy to give them a complete and secure life to their fullest.
That week I felt it in my heart to go to the Christian Adoption web site and read profiles. I prayed and read about 10 and what they had to say. I wanted a couple who didn't already have kids; I wanted my babies to be their first. I wanted them married for several years so I wouldn't have to worry about divorce. I wanted them to be in their thirties so I knew they were physically able and ready to prepare their lives for two babies. I then re-read the one I had read several weeks ago that my mom had liked and that's when I felt it, 100 pounds was lifted off my shoulders. I cried as I read through the whole thing. I read it over and over again. Was this the one God?
I called the couple on the telephone on October 9th. That night I had a dream and an amazing feeling when I woke up that I had made the right choice, and God was so proud of me. The adoptive father Mick and the adoptive mother Tabitha have been the greatest gift from God. There aren't even words to describe what amazing parents they are going to make. My babies are going to be the happiest, most loved angels in the entire world! I can't offer the life they are going to give my babies and I thank the Lord everyday for blessing me and making me the luckiest mother on this earth.
Beyond the feelings I had received knowing this was the couple God had chose, I also called on Mick's birthday to ask them if they would raise and love my babies through adoption. Mick was supposed to be flying out that day on business and had missed his flight, which was something he had never ever done. God had the whole day planned out. God had planned for me to know Mick and Tabitha were the parents of my babies, and made sure they would both be home to receive my phone call!
The following months had been trusting in the Lord and keeping myself physically and emotionally healthy not only for myself, but especially for my babies. Everyday I've remained in prayer and in God's word. I had never been more close to the Lord than I have been and to this day. I believe God's whole plan in this situation was to bring me closer to Him and to repent. I have the most intimate relationship with the Lord and I think about Him 24 hours a day.
My babies and I would praise Him everyday through music and prayer and I was beginning to feel less and less worried about everything because we would remain so faithful in our Father. Isaiah 41:10, 13 says, "Don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you...I am the Lord your God, who holds your right hand, and I tell you, 'Don't be afraid. I will help you.'"
Tabitha and I would talk several times a week through e-mail which we have continued to do. I've felt like I've known her forever. We've grown to know so much about each other and we've become very close. I will always want her to be a part of my life. She is going to make the greatest mommy and there are no words to describe how much peace I feel about her and Mick adopting my babies. There is not one thing I can think of about their home, their family, anything, that is negative or gives me any uneasy feelings.
In early November we made arrangements for me to go visit their home in December for a week. I had never flown before so Tabitha came to my home state to fly with me back to their home. The trip turned out to be completely perfect and awesome. I feel it was such a blessing to see where my babies were going.
Also in November I received a phone call from the hospital that my blood was elevated and this could mean one or both of my babies could have a birth defect called spina bifida. After that phone call I cried. I figured it was my fault if something was wrong with one of my babies. I wondered what God was doing now. But I remained faithful, I trusted Him.
At this time we found out I was having two boys. Mick and Tabitha had named the first boy Andrew David, and Andrew has spina bifida. Matthew Gabriel, my other baby does not have anything wrong with him. But really, Andrew doesn't either. He is made by God. God has a plan for Andrew, He has a plan for this whole thing that seemed so awful. I felt terrible telling Tabitha about Andrew but she had no doubt in her mind that everything was going to be okay. She loved Andrew just the same and said if she were carrying him it would make no difference. She didn't want to change her mind, and she always makes me feel so much better. We've all remained faithful. The defect is as minor as it can be, so it's all just part of His plan. I now know it was nothing I had done and there was nothing I could have done. Mick and Tabitha will love Andrew and Matthew no matter what difficulties might arise. I also love them both more than ever. They will always remain close in heart. God chose them. His hand formed them both and is making them into the people their both going to become. He compares them to no one else and they are one of a kind. Neither of them lack anything that God's grace can't give them. God has a special plan and purpose for Andrew and Matthew.
* * *
I had an ultrasound on January 5 and a doctor appointment on the 4th. Tabitha had come to visit that week and got to see both babies and hear their heartbeats. I am so thankful we got to share that together. She also got to meet my family and Benjamin.
It is now January and I am now 28 weeks pregnant. I am due in April, but because of Andrew's defect I will be having a planned C-section in late March. Andrew and Matthew are both head down now and side by side, and they weigh more than an average baby! Andrew is 2 pounds 10 ounces and Matthew is 2 pounds 9 ounces. I am so thankful for their wonderful, healthy size!
Last week I had experienced a moment of sadness. The more Andrew and Matthew grow inside of me, the more I love them and think that the time to say goodbye is soon approaching. But all I did was pray and God has given me peace again, and I have felt good. I will probably face these emotions again and after the adoption, but to know how happy and loved they both will be will only put a smile on my face and Tabitha has told me numerous of times that Andrew and Matthew will know of me always as their birthmother. I am so blessed as a mother to have found an amazing woman like Tabitha who is so willing to keep me in their lives. Here is an e-mail that Tabitha sent me and I thank God everyday for her.
"Selfless. Sacrificial. Courageous. These are words that apply to the very best of mothers, those mothers who devote themselves fully to their children in many ways. For some it means being a full-time stay at home mother, for others it means working their fingers to the bone to raise and support their families alone, and for some it means letting go.
The first two probably seem like no-brainers and some of you might ask why I included the third. Very simple really-the very hardest thing a mother can ever do is let go, even when she knows in her heart that it is what needs to be done. Before you stands the most courageous woman I have ever met. She isn't brave because she doesn't cry, or feels no pain, or rushes headlong into battle without weighing the situation. She is brave because she moves ahead despite the tears, despite the hurt, and after thinking her situation through very thoroughly. She is possibly the finest example of a mother there is.
I know what people say about placing babies for adoption-but most people just don't know the kind of love for their babies that Stacy knows. Make no mistake, these babies are hers-she takes loving care of them every day. One day they will, by the grace of God and through her unselfish love, be our children, but they will always be very uniquely hers. She will always be a part of them, the very BEST part of them.
Have you ever thought of Moses' mom? I'm talking about his biological mother, who hid him from Pharoah's troops until he was three months old. It wasn't Moses' mother's fault that the conditions were not right to raise up a child in Egypt-the soldiers were murdering every newborn they could find. Every single other woman in Egypt hid her baby away, and each one of those babies died a gruesome death.
But one mother knew that she could offer nothing to her young son to save death. She loved him and would have provided him with everything had she the ability, but she was a slave and could not even flee from her troubles. And so she gave him a chance and set him afloat on the Nile. We know that she cared very deeply because she sent his sister along to watch his progress. Moses was swept into the arms of an Egyptian princess who loved him as her own. Moses, that day, became the first recorded adoption in history, and went on to become one of the most important men in history.
I ask you, who loved their child more? The ones who held on or the one mother who let go? I cannot tell you the answer to that, but one thing I can tell you. That young Hebrew woman loved her child so much that she would rather send him to be raised by another family than to see him die. She sacrificed in order to give him what he needed-and that, not biology, is the mark of a true mother.
Stacy has that love. Stacy IS that mother. Stacy's babies will always be proud to have been lovingly nurtured in her womb."
I believe God will comfort me and I will move on to someday raise children with a loving Christian husband if that be God's will. Till then I need to continue my life that has been on hold. And God has given me that chance. I have been accepted to all four Christian Colleges that I have applied to, and will be going back to school this fall to where ever God sends me. I'm going to major in psychology to become a Christian counselor. God has used me during this pregnancy so far and I believe he has plans for me in my future.
* * *
Even though the father has still not consented to the adoption I have no doubt in my mind God is working and he will make a way. Andrew and Matthew will be in Mick and Tabitha's arms even though it seems a little weary right now with lawyers involved and maybe taking the situation to court. But, God has already blessed us because Andrew and Matthew are not going to have to go into foster care if this case will go to trial. That is a miracle and such a blessing in itself. I pray the birthfather will change his mind, but if he doesn't I know God has weaved the last 7 months of my life together perfectly already that he will only bless us all in the end. Jeremiah 32:27 says..."I am the Lord, the God of every person on the earth. Nothing is impossible for me."
So far God has blessed me with so many things even though I had let him down, even though I have sinned. But not once did he leave me alone. Not once has he not answered my prayers. And the best part he has forgiven me and I have chosen to repent. In Ephesians 4:22-24 it says...You were taught to leave your old self-to stop living the evil way you lived before. That old self becomes worse, because people are fooled by the evil things they want to do. But you were taught to be made new in your hearts, to become a new person. That new person is made to be like God-made to be truly good and holy.
* * *
One thing I could never ever be more thankful for is the total support I have received from my family and Benjamin and his family, my church family, and most especially my mother. God's plan through all this I believe, was also to bring my mother and I even closer in our relationship. I have never felt so close to my mom than I do today. I cry often with joy at how lucky I am to have learned and gained so much from her throughout my life. God had formed me in her womb and I thank God for the greatest mom that no one could ever replace. God has made her an awesome mother to me and my siblings and she is so special to me. God has amazing plans in store for her and I know it. Her desire to know the Lord and to grow in the Lord and to help His children makes me admire her so deeply. She has told me over and over again along with my dad and grandparents how proud they are of me, but one thing she told me while driving in the car one day was that I was her hero. It makes me cry to this day that I am, My Mother's Hero! I love her so much for being here for me through all this and everything that I have ever been through. Mom, I love you so much!
I am also so thankful for God giving my younger brother and sister the understanding that I have been chosen to carry my babies and to give them to Mick and Tabitha because I am unable to give them the life they deserve. I pray that they will both learn from my mistake and save themselves for their future mate that God has created especially for them. And that they will never turn from God and look for that missing piece in a mate before they are married because God says to His children and He has told me..."You won't find yourself in a deep soul relationship with another and loved completely and exclusively until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found. You will never be untied with another until you are untied with Me, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to give it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things; keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM; keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. You just wait, do not be anxious, do not worry, do not look at the things you want; you just keep looking off and the way up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you. The one I have for you is ready ( I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe, and be satisfied."
I pray I was never a bad role model and that I have taught them everything I could have during this time of my life and in the past. I pray I can continue to teach them all I can. I love them both so much and they have been so brave and amazing to me during this time.
I am also most thankful for Benjamin. He has been the greatest friend to me despite my pregnancy and adoption. He has been with me and helped me carry on through it all. He always knew what to say and when to say it. He told me when I was being unfaithful, when I was loosing patience, he has been honest and loving. He is completely devoted to God and loves Him so much. I love him with everything I've got, and I am most excited to see what God has planned for his future.
* * *
The following story was one that has always lifted me up and reminded me that Jesus is and has always been right here with me and He will always be with you.
There is a window in your heart through which you can see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see God as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.
Then, suddenly, the window cracked. A pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain. And suddenly God was not so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed.
You were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he?
When you can't see Him, trust Him...Jesus is closer than you've ever dreamed.
* * *
I have been given a consequence that I have turned into joy. I have gained so much through this trial. I may never experience such hardship, trouble, fear, or the emotions I have gone through ever again, and Lord I pray I don't. But, I will never regret the decision I have made, or decisions I have ever made, I have only learned from them building me to the person I am today. And still God leaves me in happiness and has blessed me with the one He has created especially for me!
I believe this next poem explains what I have been through very well, and when I read it I can see how it reflects my life completely...
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I may not choose the colors
But he knows what they should be.
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upperside
While I see it...
Only on the underside.
Sometimes He weaveth sorrow
Which seemeth strange to me
But I will trust his judgment
And work on faithfully.
Tis' He who fills the shuttle
For He knows what is best
And I shall weave in earnest
And leave with Him the rest.
At last when life has ended
With Him I shall abide
Then I may view the pattern
Upon the otherside.
Then I shall know the reason why
Pain with joy entwined
Was woven in the fabric of life...
That GOD desgined!
Now, I close with this scripture...
The Lord says, "My thoughts are not like your thoughts. Your ways are not like my ways. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. So you will go out with joy and be led out in peace." Isaiah 55:8,12
Mick & Tabitha have successfully adopted twins Matthew & Andrew!
For more information please read It's and Champagne. We encourage you to prayerfully consider registering with our service, and/or writing to us.
Go to web site index
Return to main page
Eddie & Deborah S. Hill P.O. Box 243 Coffeyville, KS 67337