A few excerpts from Deborah's journal
July 15, 1996 Noon
My Dear Child,
To the best of my recollection and figuring, it has now been 28 years and 1 month since I have wanted you and dreamed of one day having you. This is a long time in this lifetime, but nothing compared to all of eternity. It is odd to me that with all of my efforts, prayers, and tears that some people still ask-are you sure you want to have children? They have no inkling of an idea and I'm not sure that you will never understand either. So, why am I still waiting, and praying, and why do tears still flow in postponed sorrow? I do not know. It is puzzlement to my mind and heart, but you will come and even now I know you are in the process of coming to me.
I have read off and on books about children, adoption, motherhood, pregnancy and diet, child rearing, family bonding, and tender accounts of women with their children. Yet I am certain that I will not fully appreciate the awesome joy, privilege, and responsibility of having you and loving you-until you finally arrive. I have tried to prepare my heart, mind, and body for your arrival, yet only God knows what lies ahead and only He can help me, guide me, and strengthen me. May you adhere to these words of wisdom all your life. Do the very best you can, but know that your real source of help and direction comes from your heavenly Father, if you will but ask Him and prayerfully wait for His answer. So that is what I do now. I wait day after day, which becomes week after week, and soon month after month, and then it is year upon year. Waiting and praying and pushing to be thankful and to be faithful. It has been an arduous task, but He has given me help all along the way. God is always true and faithful and able to help those that call upon Him. Go to God often each day in every decision you make and you will avoid the many mistakes that I have made and the pitfalls that I have fallen into. Truly God is our strength.
July 16, l996 11:00 p.m.
Dear Loved One,
There are days that it seems that you are so close that I cry with tears of joy, knowing that you are coming. The intensity of the joy is as deep as the sorrow I often experience. God is faithful to hear my prayers and I know that He hears my constant prayer for you. I don't fully understand how and what God is working in the depth of my heart in preparation for you. It seems that I am learning or coming to understand what it is to have great compassion for the special needs child-at least that is what society now calls a child that is not normal. Whatever normal is! Society dictates what is normal and society is of this world and not a standard that I should or that I chose to live by. What is normal? It occurs to me that God is no respecter of persons and neither should I be. As a child of the King and as a born-again one with Christ residing within, how can I then be a respecter of anyone's color, background, physical characteristics, strengths, or shortcomings. Whether they are mental or physical. God looks upon the heart, not the body, appearance, or mental acuity of an individual. Shouldn't I do the same? Shouldn't I love with His love, which is a greater love? A love that supersedes the senses realm with all of it's criteria and judgment? These are thoughts that I not only now think about, but deeply consider and ask God to teach me. To prepare me for what He has in store and for what lies ahead. On days like today, I am overwhelmed with the wonder of what is coming and what I can learn, how I can love, and who you will be. Could you be more wanted ? I think not, or as the old English would say-I trow not!
July 17, l996 10:00 a.m.
I have distributed our adoption files to some 150 sources so far. Getting out these 150 files is a course of action that I can take that assists my mind and settles my heart. Since I do not know how you are coming to us or when you will arrive, I feel compelled to keep working or doing something to help you get here. I think most of the time I am inspired by God to know where to go, who to send the files to, and what to ask them. However, sometimes I go out and distribute them just for my own mind. Not as a way of earning the joy of having you, but as an act of believing that you will come to us. It is like so much of the stuff I have already acquired for you. Each blanket, each book, each baby item was a way for my mind to deal with the waiting. Often I have bought something for you to prove to myself that you would exist and be in my life-someday. It 's a funny and sad game I have played with my mind. It is a wrestling match with the old man nature, which is fearful and hopeless by nature, and the new man, which is the Christ in me. That new man nature is fearless and full of hope. Moment by moment I determine who will rule in my mind, just as you will also. I have set a goal and a limitation on the file distribution. I will now dispense 15 files a week until we know of your imminent arrival. Otherwise I am working on the printing, the collation, the signing, organizing, and deliverance of files all the time. Life must go on in all of the fullness that is available to us now. This was a grand mistake I made several years ago. I was so sure and committed to getting pregnant and having you, that I put too much of our lives on hold. I forgot how to live in the present. Always living in the future anticipating what was to come; or dwelling on the past and what was already lost. This is not the proper way to live. God instructs us to not dwell on the past, but to forget it and live for Him. Our hope is in Christ and his return-not in the things of this world, even children. So, I have failed miserably so often at this mental conflict, but God is so rich in His grace and mercy and His loving kindness that I still stand for Him. May you find the courage to do the same, in spite of what happens in this life. May you find that courage and strength in Him, for therein will you find success and the peace to enjoy it.
August 8, 1996
Today I have begun to wash baby clothes that I have been gathering for almost 7 years. It sounds absolutely crazy, but each little outfit, sock, or accessory was bought in anticipation of you. I found things at yard sales, and used clothing shops, occasionally something new. All purchased frugally and with thoughtful decision. Would Eddie be pleased to see our child in this? Will we have a boy or a girl or both! I have accumulated and saved and stored these clothes for years, and I so look forward to using them and you wearing them. Folding them now, has a whole new meaning, as you will soon be a joyful reality. No man can understand this womanly craving to nurture. It is simply the way God made women to be. So, if you are a girl, I will be teaching you the art of womanhood. Perhaps you will master the fine art of being one, I'm still figuring it out! If you are a boy, I will teach you how to appreciate your wife to be and to allow her to be a total and complete woman. I have a joyful yearning to hold you and if I think about it very much, tears of joy are the result. What a glorious day it will be when we bring you home.
August 14, 1996
HOPE DEFERRED MAKETH THE HEART SICK, BUT WHEN THE DESIRE COMETH IT IS A TREE OF LIFE. PROVERBS 13:12
August 15, 1996
Each day brings me closer to having you and looking into your eyes and loving you. It will be a discipline for me to keep my priorities in order, as you will not be my life nor my source for happiness. Children are simply on loan to us in this lifetime. They belong to God, and we will not own you, only love, teach, discipline, teach, care for, teach, and be responsible before God for. You are so wanted and so very loved already, and yet we love, serve, and are so much more committed to God and to each other. Marriage comes before children. It should remain in its rightful position after children come. This I know will be a discipline and a challenge for me.
After our 5th failed placement November 11, 1996
I have been away on an island that no one should have to go to,
It is a lonely and barren place, where one looks for God's comfort.
Under every rock and in all the crevices but there is no peace,
Only the coldness of the turbulent waves and a bite in the air.
The mind reaches for truth to hold onto, and the logic of God's ways,
But the emotions are in turmoil and won't be calmed for long.
I know I won't be here forever but the moments are like days,
The thoughts in a constant fight for dominance and control.
I am thankful to know that others love me,
It is a comfort to know that they pray.
I have been to this island so often in life that it should be easier,
But anguish and despair are relentless foes.
Why does it have to be so hard, so difficult to have a family?
I find no answers, no understanding, and hence no peace.
No one can fix it; no one can make it all better,
I am again alone to trust in God, weak as I am and humbled.
I ask myself how much more can I take and the answer is the same,
When I am weak, He is strong and I can take whatever comes.
What depth of character I must be obtaining, and compassion for others I think,
So, I shed another tear, look out across the sea, and wonder what will soon happen to me.
November 20, 1996
When the heart is overwhelmed with sorrow,
When you wonder if your baby will come tomorrow.
Then it is time to reach down low,
Find out what you're made of---
When you need strength, to Him only go.
Our precious Danielle was born on August 29, 1995 and we first held her in our arms on December 28, 1996.
God is at work for His people allow Him to do His thing and He will give you HIS best!
For more information please read Forgotten and Let Go. We encourage you to prayerfully consider registering with our service, and/or writing to us.
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Deborah S. Hill P.O. Box 243 Coffeyville, KS 67337