CHANGES
August 6, 2000
I have attended about 18 funerals. All but 3 of those funerals were for family, and the 3 for friends--well, I was treated like family. All my life experiences regarding funerals was FAMILY oriented. Last week I attended the most upsetting and saddest funeral of my life--a church friend's son had been killed in a car accident at the mere age of 26. I had been one of the callers for prayer support for this young man and I was also the caller to inform the same believers of his death--a few hours later. It hit hard, it hit home, and it prompted many moments of clutching my son and praying that he lives a long life. More than anything, I wanted to be a blessing to this family. I offered to organize meals for them, to prepare meals, and waited for an 'assignment'. When that call came, I was ready and more than willing. "Can you bring a couple dishes to the church luncheon before the service tomorrow?" "YES, count on it." I awoke early the next morning for prayer time, began preparing food, taking care of 2 kids, going outside to do chores, answering the phone, printing profiles, and getting the car load ready to go. I was not prepared when another call came, "Hey, we're going to eat a half hour earlier--can you bring the food right away?" "Well no I can't, Danielle just got out of the shower and now it's my turn. I will get there as soon as I can." I raced, I rushed, we dressed, we put on our respectfully best clothes--even Samuel had on a summer suit. We dashed off to church with food on board, prayers heavenward, and physically hungry. When we arrived at church, I found the lot to be full, as I anticipated and we rushed in the kitchen with warm dishes of homemade food. Everyone was done eating--including dessert. "Hmmm, I guess we will be eating that pan of cherry crumb bars at home," I thought. I saw many family members, many church members, and spotted a gal I hadn't seen for over 7 years--someone I had shared some of those morbid infertility years with. Now here we were, 7 years later, mothers of adopted kids. She had adopted 4, and I had 2. We hugged; we chatted, we told stories--while 2 very patient kids waited for Mom to get some lunch for them. I noticed that there were not any more seats at any of the tables, so I grabbed a few folded chairs and set us up a spot off to the side--the far side of the dessert table. (My favorite place to be--lots of chocolate within an arm's reach!) As we went through the food line and I fixed 2 plates, I thought we received a few looks--but I am used to that with Danielle by my side. Then we quietly ate lunch, we bothered no one--but still some unusual looks came our way.
After eating, we cleared our spot, helped clean off other tables and offered our assistance in the kitchen. We still had another 45 minutes before the service began, so I began to mingle with church family and immediate family. Samuel was in fine form, smiling from ear to ear showing off his bright white 2 bottom teeth and I could see sadness in people's faces turn to smiles--it was like a reprieve for them--a respite from the sadness. More looks and I was becoming puzzled. The three of us headed to the sanctuary that was almost filled already and sadness filled the air. It was oppressive. I chose to take Danielle to the temporary child care area. I kept Samuel, the looks continued. The service was one of the most endearing and kind I had ever attended, but people were collectively sobbing--it was so sad it was almost unbearable. After the service, each row in the sanctuary was led to the family of the deceased. There were so many tears from so many of every age, that friends had to help other friends walk down the aisle. I held onto Samuel and he beamed smiles with those two shiny teeth. Again I saw people's faces change from sad to hopeful. Here was a life just beginning and many asked me if they could just hold him--clutch him really--and they cried. I cried--everyone cried. It was the saddest event I have ever attended.
AND then it hit me. Then it clicked, then it all made sense. That luncheon was strictly for the immediate family and the church members that were all present were the pallbearers and their spouses. I was not supposed to be there, my kids and I had not been invited. We were out of order by attending. I was supposed to drop off the food and leave and come later for the service. None of my life experience had taught me this, no one told me the rules. No one informed me of the proper order of events. When I had been asked to bring food to the church luncheon, I concluded it was a church luncheon--it was not. I thought I was being a blessing, a help, and a support--but I was completely wrong. I was eager to help, I was willing, but I was misinformed. I didn't understand the rules of etiquette and had never been taught. I had good intentions but they were not carried out properly. I spent the rest of that day in a kind of disappointed and embarrassed shock. So what could I do? I needed to accept responsibility and to apologize to the family that I had inadvertently offended. God's Word dictates that I must take responsibility for causing offence, for acting improperly, and for my ignorance.
This lesson in life reminded me of the need and significance of understanding the rules of conduct in any given relationship or organization. Which led me to thinking about the rules within our relationships in the Christian Adoption family. For months I have seen some unfavorable patterns developing. For months I have been commenting to Eddie that I will have to define the guidelines of communication within the CA family. And I have alluded to the significance of keeping confidences within our CA family--confidences. For months I have contemplated, considered, penciled notes, and then shelved them because I did not want to define or enforce a set of guidelines/rules within the CA family. Yet, human nature has always pushed grace to the outer edge and beyond, and I knew the day was coming. Now it is here.
When couples list with us in the future, we will send out a set of definitions and guidelines to them as new members in our Christian Adoption family. Definitions and guidelines that I think should already be obvious, but various activities in the past 6 months have led me to believe otherwise. Additionally these guidelines will define responsibility and accountability.
May our gracious God and Father provide us with the strength and courage to do His Word no matter what is required.
For more information please read Challenges and Family. We encourage you to prayerfully consider registering with our service, and/or writing to us.
adoption@christianadoption.com
A non-profit Christian and Internet
service ministry. We're helping others in the adoption
process.
1.800.277.7006 620.251.4405
Deborah S. Hill P.O. Box 243 Coffeyville, KS 67337
www.christianadoption.com adoption@christianadoption.com
