IT IS GOOD TO TRUST IN THE LORD
This is a response from one of our Christian Adoption family members, Maribeth, to Verna that E-mailed us (Christian Adoption--Deborah) for help and counsel. Most names have been changed to protect privacy.
Dear Deborah,
If I ever hope to be able to keep up with a baby, I need to make sure I'm in the best possible physical shape so I've joined a gym and working out. I'm also writing as I need to get a reality check, another possible perspective, an encouraging word, and ask for prayer on really several issues. I've prayed for a baby for years and now the physical chances are fleeting away, with menopause right around the corner. Has God abandoned me? (Guess you keep on holding out hope as long as the equipment is available no matter what.) So it makes me think of questions like: should I just forget it, cut my losses and bury my feelings? Then, will I still have the strength and stamina that a child needs through the growing and young adult years? Then, there's the old, am I settling for second best and could I love this child as my own? People my age are having grandkids. Then it's like I'm trying to do this alone. My husband tells me when we talk about family etc., that he just doesn't know what to do. I feel so very very alone in all of this. I know he's wondering if I'll quit my job, and what about When I heard that her adoption had gone well, I truly rejoiced with her while desperately trying to ignore the pain in my own heart. I feel ashamed for that. I should be able to just give this thing up for the sake of a higher calling, or that it's not meant to be or whatever. Her message to me however, was not only a chance to rejoice in her victory but to know that I still just can't suppress my feelings. And where is God in all of this? Do I see His plan? No. It has to be walked out, cried out, lived out, and loved out on my knees or on my face before the Lord from whose lips I long to hear the words spoken to His beloved child, "Well done thou good and faithful servant." So here I am, not knowing exactly what to do next. Please help me and thanks for listening.
Verna
Dear Verna, (From Maribeth)
God bless you!
I was so moved reading your note that Deborah sent to me. I have one biological son who is 11 and he is a quadriplegic--does not talk or hardly move. Then my 2 1/2 yr. old son is adopted. I had so many fears that I could not keep up with a baby with all the care my first son requires. I'm 42 years old and I have some health problems too. But I always knew I was so good with children and that I should have lots of them. We think Randal's problems are genetic so I did not want to take the chance of having another of our own. For many years we talked and talked about adopting and I called and got info from agencies and I read books about adoption but I was too afraid. I also worried about the money since everything for Randal is so expensive. My husband and I had a hard time agreeing about adoption. For us it was the age of the child that was the problem. I felt like a newborn would be too hard and I could handle maybe a 2 or 3 year old. My husband said he wanted to teach them our way from the start and have them learning about loving God from day one. Our son fell into our laps from God, that is the only way to describe it. Now I am so glad that I had him from the start (he was a few hours old when he came into our care). Now I think, I would have missed all this fun and total joy. And it is true that by now so many things are already shaped in him. We have given him a good start on the man he will be. But what I really want to tell you is that it all works out. I would feed one son and then the other. I would nap when they napped, it worked out. I'm always behind on something and I'm always a little sleep deprived but it all works out, and it is worth it. I just have to chase after a 2 1/2 year old and I look at it as a blessing because I have lost about 17 pounds in the last year because of Ben (my adopted son). I know God gives me strength and stamina to do it. I thank God every day for the opportunity to love and care for my little piece of heaven. When you are a little older and you have had to struggle to get there, you appreciate it so much more. What a great mom you will be since you will never take your child for granted. You will always make up for being older by being wiser, more patient, more interesting, more loving, more giving, more generous, better at understanding priorities and not afraid of making mistakes. Life will just get sweeter and more busy but it will all work out. You have a better marriage to bring a child into because you have had time to get past the dumb stuff you fight about the first year or two. When we raise children with a Christian perspective and we teach them to love God and make right decisions that is so important. We should be the ones raising lots of children because we do it right. We are the ones who raise responsible children who will make a difference in the world they inherit. They will learn to pray and trust God and they will help others. If we are older than our children's friend's parents or our friends are in a different stage than we are that is not a problem. Our input into these children's lives is so beneficial that it far overshadows our being older. We will pray and trust God for our health to hold out for us to be there for them. That will help keep us young and we will be healthier for the exercise of trying to keep up with them. Now a days so many children are being raised by the Grandparents when the mom is messed up. I see so many cases that this keeps the Grandparents younger and more vital and healthy. A friend of mine is a foster parent to some children with disabilities and she is older, maybe in her mid 50's and she says she is a new person and ready to live life to the fullest because of her new responsibilities. She says it is the best thing that ever happened to her, their marriage is sweeter, and they wake up excited every day to see what the day holds. Their children had grown and moved out, of course everyone feels sorry for them and they couldn't be happier. About whether you can love them like your own. You can and you do. I often forget that my Ben is adopted and I do not love one more or less, I love them differently just like you love all people differently because they are different individuals. Ben is the sunshine of my life and I am so thankful that I get to be his Mom. When they tell you, "Mom I love you" there is nothing better in the whole world. That will make you wonder--how did I have any doubts?
On trying to do this alone. Even if your husband is a little less excited than you are, sometimes they are just showing their feelings differently. He is probably not sure, and having the same doubts as you and you both cannot read each other's mind. Also you are not alone because God is with you. He will help you, He will give you the strength, the money, the time, the energy, the patience, the love, the peace, the right words to talk to your husband (if you ask Him). I always tell myself that I do not need to have enough strength because God has all the strength I need and I will just rest in His lap, in His arms, and it will be alright. I have been thinking a lot lately about will. You know we may need something but we do not want it--and we won't get it. Or we may want something but we do not do anything to make it happen--and it won't happen. Sometimes we want something but we do not need it--and we won't get it. God set up the family as an institution that is the best place for children to grow and learn and be happy. It is a beautiful thing that you need and want a child. This is something very good. It is good for you, it is good for the child, it will be good for your husband, it will be good for society, it will be good for God, because you will teach your child to love God. You let your will, your desire, your intense wanting push or pull you in the direction you need to go. I think you writing to Deborah was very godly. You need to pray and trust God to help you. What direction is He telling you to go? He speaks with a still small voice, so we have to get quiet to hear. I hope this helps you, my heart goes out to you and your husband. I was married 10 years and had many miscarriages before we had Randal. We really are surrounded by empty nests of our family and friends but we know we have a wonderful life and it is right for us. God is so good and He has provided for us what we needed and wanted. God's timetable is not the same as our's and He is never late. I kept working after I adopted Ben and last year I even received an award for my work, the Public Citizen of the Year for 1999 from the National Association of Social Workers! It all works out. I have seen God supply abundantly for our family. At the baby shower everyone gave us three gifts instead of one. Friends sent me boxes of stuff for the baby, a friend from Argentina sent me a whole suitcase full of gorgeous stuff for him. I have hardly had to buy Ben anything. Even the lawyer charged very little, the home study was very inexpensive for us, the lawyer for the baby donated his services because he said he wanted to be a part in making us a family, as a gift to himself! The Judge tried to save us money by using the same case number for our two court hearings so we would not have to pay court costs twice. I keep thinking about how God provided for Jesus Christ by the wise men bringing gifts. It makes me wonder what wonderful things are in store for Ben that God is providing for him so wonderfully. A friend of my sister has given me boxes and boxes of practically new clothes for Ben. Randal does not wear out his clothes since he hardly moves so I have beautiful, like new clothes for Ben from his older brother too. The early sizes I had passed on but now I am keeping all his things. Since Randal does not walk, his shoes are not dirty or scuffed or worn out at all. God is in the business of providing for us and with all the Christian Adoption family praying for you, that will help too. God only wants good for you, He will help you. He is helping you by putting you in touch with Deborah, moving in your heart, and showing you His path.
Lots of love,
Maribeth
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