I  REMEMBER…

Written by Deborah

4/14/02

Over and over I put my mind to the task of totally forgetting. But the despairing cries of others within the Christian Adoption family remind me that I remember.

I remember the deep sorrow and pain that I felt as I pleaded to God to have a child to call "my very own".

I remember the sleepless nights and the countless tears I shed, hoping that I could hold a baby in my arms all night, instead of a tissue.

I remember the sharp pangs of pain that gripped my heart, only moments after I would see an expectant mother.

I remember the fists of anger within my head at the 'supposed' injustice of so many pregnant teens.

I remember the green-eyed monster of jealousy that drove me away from baby showers and friends that were rejoicing in their pregnancy.

I remember the struggle, day by day; sometimes hour by hour, that monopolized my thinking.

I remember the anguish and the sorrow that filled my mind when someone was easily expecting ANOTHER child.

I remember the pleading, the begging, the bartering and the bantering sessions I had with our kind and loving God.

I remember "holding back" from events and activities that were family/child oriented--because I didn't fit into either.

I remember wondering if I was going insane from the multitude of emotions that 'ebbed and flowed' each day throughout each month.

I remember praying that I would not drive my husband away, from my lack of thankfulness and my sorrowful heart.

I remember feeling stupid and weak, because I couldn't handle the adversity and the pressure.

I remember cataloging the sins of my past in order to find some "logical" reason why I wasn't carrying a child to term.

I remember making deals and promises with our gracious and merciful God.

I remember the searing pain of hearing an unattended infant cry while out shopping.

I remember the countless times I bit my lip to not verbalize what was racing through my mind, when I saw neglected and abused children.

I remember the tears that streamed while watching certain TV shows, commercials or heard certain music.

I remember and I remember and I continue to remember, because I need to never forget, so I can minister to others in such pain and sorrow.

I've learned…

Over and over I've learned that I need to remind others within the Christian Adoption family that they are not alone regarding their emotional challenges.

I've learned that the deep sorrow and pain will be replaced with unspeakable joy when YOU finally KNOW that you're holding a child as "YOUR very own".

I've learned that the sleepless nights and tears of joy shed, are a "cake-walk" compared to the mental roommate of pain. I've learned that anyone can easily hold THEIR baby all night long and not regret a single moment, if they realize that THEIR child will grow up WAY too fast.

I've learned that no matter how many times our hearts were/are gripped by pain, our hearts will melt by the antics and precious expressions of OUR children.

I've learned that being angry with God in any way is most often a result of pride and fear. I've learned that humbling our hearts to Him yields peace.

I've learned that jealousy is in direct opposition to the truths of God's Word and is often rooted in a merciless heart.

I've learned that the struggle, day by day and sometimes hour by hour builds character and strength for the challenge of parenting, which will then monopolize our thinking.

I've learned that it is possible to deeply rejoice with a sister in Christ that is expecting ANOTHER child.

I've learned that pleading, begging, bartering and bantering sessions are a waste of energy and are what children do naturally--duh--"connect the dots".

I've learned that we don't hesitate to get involved in events and activities that are family/child oriented--because we are both.

I've learned that the sense of "going insane from the multitude of emotions that 'ebb and flow' each day throughout each month" is normal and still happens after becoming a mother!

I've learned that husbands have built-in rubber buffers to repel the endless whines from childless women.

I've learned that feeling stupid and weak, because of adversity and pressure, helps one to rely totally on HIS guidance and HIS strength.

I've learned that God's timing and higher ways cannot be understood in our finite, pea-sized brains.

I've learned that making deals and promises with our gracious and merciful God helps us to 'think' we are in control of our lives.

I've learned that the searing pain of hearing an unattended infant cry while out shopping, is an opportunity to pray for that family.

I've learned that the countless times we bite our lip to not verbalize what is racing through our minds, when seeing neglected and abused children; is another opportunity to pray for others.

I've learned that we still have streams of tears racing down our cheeks, while watching certain TV shows, commercials or hear certain music; they just come from a different part of our hearts.

I've learned that there's a good reason to remember, so compassion and mercy rules in our hearts.

I remember and I've learned...

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