INSIDE OUT, UPSIDE DOWN & BACKWARDS

Written by Deborah

4.12.02

"Look at me Mom! Look at what I did all by myself!" "Wow, Danielle that's terrific! I am so proud of how responsible you're becoming. Look at you! You've picked out your pants, shirt, socks, shoes, and hair clips all by yourself. I see that you even brushed your hair and put your clips in, and your hair part is straight! WOW! You are growing up so fast! Before I know it, you'll be driving a car--WOW!" And I turn my head with a "Cheshire" grin on my face, knowing that I must delicately handle the small corrections that need to be made. "Honey, you did a great job picking out these colors and matching them. And you did a great job getting dressed. We just have to make a few changes." "What Mom? I put everything on all by myself and it looks great!" "Yes, you look wonderful, but I see the tag in your turtleneck looking like a paper pin on your neck, so you've got that on "inside out". And the pants, well, I know those are confusing. They have a thousand pockets on the front and back, but the zipper with all those pockets goes in the front, so you've got those on "backwards". It's no big deal, just strip down and re-arrange a few items and you'll be ready to go."

"Ook at me Mama! Ook at me!" "Wow, Samuel look at you! You put that coat on all by yourself. Boy, you're growing up so fast! Before I know it, you'll be riding the tractors! WOWIE!" This time I don't turn my head, as I smile from ear to ear at the sight I see. One precious child beaming with pride that he has managed to get his arms into the sleeves of his coat. Doing his best and ready to receive the loving approval of his parents. "Samuel, you did a great job. I am so proud of you and all your effort. But precious, let's take it off and try putting it on again. You've got it on "upside down".

Eddie and I initially met each other in July 1988, at a Biblical Research Class held in Emporia, Kansas. I applied immediately upon learning about the 2-week session and traveled from Kansas City. I arrived at the appointed time with my "Princess Diana--wanna be" wardrobe and owned a catering company in Kansas City called YUMSKYS. I was overworked, emotionally vulnerable and definitely could be labeled, hmmm, what's that current expression…"a-retentive"? Eddie arrived on campus a day late, as exceptions were made to allow him to attend. He had just exited a Rehab program only hours before his arrival from Arkansas. He was the Harley biker, chain/leather wearing, cowboy boots and hat, 6'2" guy that caught every girl's eye. He was different--very different. His southern drawl, his laid-back approach, the Holy Spirit dove earrings along with the unusual garb for a Biblical Research student made him the anomaly of the student body. There were about 200 students in attendance from all over the country, but within a few short days, everyone knew Eddie--and liked him.

We met just before the beginning of a class session. I sought him out when I found an empty seat next to him. Like a teenage girl on a first date, I fumbled with every item in my purse, talked incessantly, and sat pristinely in my seat. He listened, he nodded and at the break he drawled, "Would you like to get a cup of coffee?" I melted. I was hooked, I was enamored and it was all over… So, as I graciously sipped my coffee and he chewed tobacco, we chatted. Two people that couldn't be more opposite in appearance, experiences, lifestyles and backgrounds. But it was that oil and water contrast that made our dating experiences that much more interesting. We differed in our viewpoints and perspectives on almost everything, except the truths of God's Word, how to raise children according to His Word, and we were in full agreement about two foundational principles. These were and would continue to be of PARAMOUNT importance in our lives: Tithing and Prayer. We sought ministerial counsel about getting married. Nine months later, we made a covenant salt commitment of marriage in April 1989.

Then the challenging fun began! That oil and water emulsion often divided itself into 2 separate layers--just like the 2 very different people we were. But we had attended a Christian Marriage & Family class together and fully agreed upon several points made during that weekend. First point: Each marriage is like a house that each couple designs as they choose. They may have lots of windows in the front of the house, and no windows on the backside. They may have the windows set in rows or placed here and there without a pattern. They may change the position, the size and the drapery on their marital house windows whenever and as often as THEY see needful. They can leave everything just as it was in the beginning or make changes to the outside appearance daily. It's their home and their decision. Second point: There are NO BACK DOORS in the marital home. There are words that should not even be in the Christian marriage vocabulary, as they may infer that there are back doors to use as exits. Now that we're close to celebrating our 13th anniversary, it is obvious to both of us that we have re-arranged those windows hundreds of times, as we have continued to learn how to blend oil and water! (I think we should have both been chemists or chefs!)

We've done so much of our marital life backwards. Many couples live together and then get married. We got married and later began to live together. Eddie lived in Ft. Smith, AR and I was in Kansas City, KS. He was an engineer for the MOPAC RR and YUMSKYS had simply "taken off". He lived in an apartment; I owned an adorable Cape Cod style home. He loved riding his Harley; I enjoyed my square back VW. The RR wouldn't transfer him to Kansas City and I knew that I didn't want to move into his past in Ft. Smith. We agreed to accept a transfer to Coffeyville, KS and bought a 100-year old home on 5 acres. I needed to fulfill my commitment to my catering jobs, he needed to sell some land and wait to be transferred. Our house sat empty for months. We married in April, we moved into the house on Christmas Eve. About midnight we pulled in with a U-Haul packed to the max and found the kitchen water pipes had broken and flooded the first floor. It was so cold, the water had changed to a layer of ice and as I unpacked the 3 cats and 1 large dog (I came as a package deal, which included my beloved pets), we looked in horror at each other about the decisions we'd made. Long sob story short, we melted the ice, mopped up the water, vacuumed water, cleaned up water, built a fire, and fell asleep about sunrise. Christmas Day Dinner at my sister's home never tasted so good, and we whined and complained to everyone about our tragic events. (Ha! Like broken pipes was tragic?!)

Eddie began to talk about us selling the house and moving to AR. He could get a transfer back there and we could start over there. Move again? Hmmm…? I felt strongly that the biker guys and gals that he'd been so hooked up with, along with the many shady characters from his past would present many pressures, temptations and influences to my new husband. We agreed that we needed a fresh start, both of us did, and Coffeyville was it. The changes for me were drastic. Born and raised in Chicago, 15 years in Cleveland, some time in Alexandria, VA, years in Tulsa, OK, years in Central KS, over 12 years in Kansas City, KS--I was city born, city raised and city-oriented. Coffeyville seemed like a 2-horse town in SE KS. But this was home and this was where we had decided to start OUR new lives together. And I dove in with vigor and became country-ized.

After 5 years in Coffeyville, we moved to Norman, OK, to be closer to other Christians we had met at Biblical Research classes. Eddie worked in Oklahoma City and deplored every day of driving into the city, as well as the yard job. We were coming to the end of the line with infertility and began pursuing adoption. Well, I pursued with a passion and he listened. When we finally were on the same page that's when Christian Adoption was conceived and started. The rest, as you know, is history. Well, HIS STORY.

After a couple years of hearing about the "wonders of Arkansas", I agreed to move there. [The greatest drawing card was not the landscape or the hills/trees of Arkansas, but the lives of two wonderful Christian believers and dear friends--Dan & Tracy.] We'd been in OK for over 2 years and we had successfully adopted Danielle. Before getting a transfer we went to look at property and to BUY. We found a house the first day we looked. We loved it, wrote a contract on it and JUST as we were walking out of the realtor's office--we were stopped and told--"Gee, you know what folks? That house actually sold just about 2 hours before we showed it to you. It's sold." We looked and we looked and didn't find what we were looking for. (Our first sincere attempt to move to Arkansas.)

As we returned to Norman, OK, we considered the other areas that Eddie could transfer to with his seniority. Southern OK, Ft. Worth, TX, Eastern TX, SE KS, and Eastern OK. I agreed to consider moving back to SE KS, but NOT to Coffeyville. I had a lot of bad emotional memories there, mental hardships and did not want to go back. We started making house hunting treks in every direction. Zone in on an area, contact the local chamber of commerce, connect with realtors, drive to the area and look at as much property as possible in 2 days. Make a decision about the area and about moving/transferring there. After an entire year of hunting, seriously hunting, we decided to again consider moving to NE Arkansas. Eddie would just tough out the drive to Ft. Smith. The drive then, was about an hour of hairpin turn roads and death warning signs to be reminded of how dangerous it was. We made a trek to NE Arkansas and spent a couple days looking, considering and shaking our heads. (Our second sincere attempt to move to Arkansas.)

We mentally threw our hands up in the air and decided to drop the treks for awhile. Danielle had become an experienced rider and was a gem about these lengthy, howbeit disappointing jaunts. Within days, a friend that I'd kept in contact with in Coffeyville (that despised the area and wanted to move back to Ft. Smith, AR) sent me a recent newspaper ad clipping. As I read the description of the property (another 100-year old home) I knew that this was what we had been hunting for. Eddie agreed and we zoomed to Coffeyville and wrote a contract on the home, ponds and 22 acres within hours of seeing it. We bought it and began to make moving plans. [Go figure, the one place I don't want to move to--we're moving to!]

We moved here in late fall 1998 and about a year later, conversations began coming up about the "glories of Arkansas". Eddie made it out to be like the "Promised Land" and yet I could never understand why he never chose it as a place to go for a weekend get-a-way or why we hadn't bought a cabin there. [I think it was just a mental place that he went and found a haven for his heart during times of stress.] Anyway, after a year of renewed house hunting locally, we agreed to make use of the 22 acres here. We prayerfully bought a new doublewide to function as a new home for us, for more office space for Christian Adoption and for our absence from the German Victorian so we could totally renovate it. But, after 6 months in this home, I heard a lot more stories about the "hills of Arkansas". In early November '01, I stunned my husband by suggesting that we move to Arkansas, NE Arkansas. (A new {4-6-8-?-multi is the point} lane highway had been built that would enable Eddie to safely drive to work in less than 45 minutes.) Eddie was shocked and I was fully committed. He fought me tooth and nail for a couple days. We prayed that God would simply drop the finances in our laps within 7 days to confirm our decision. Within 5 days, we'd sold, traded, etc. and had $5,000 in cash--all moving money. The logistics of selling our 22 acres with 2 residences on it, how to divide the 22 acres, and the overwhelmingly mind boggling concept of moving again (world's biggest pack rats here) was totally depressing. We continued to conclude that this would provide a better future for our family. More amenities, more activities, more time with the family (less time on trains), and more future opportunities for the kids. We acquired a booth at a local Antique Mall and began selling stuff like crazy. We sold cars, trucks, equipment, and other stuff. We ran ads and we prayed. By the end of Nov. we had enough funds to pay workers to divide, transport, pour a new foundation, and re-set-up the double wide. The cash was there and we were getting excited. Overwhelmed at the physical tasks ahead, but excited.

Christmas came and the New Year rang in. I was so swamped, totally swamped, with Christian Adoption that our 'moving brains' were in a holding pattern. Early February arrived and we were getting ready to go look at land in NE Arkansas and BUY. But the Union Pacific RR (that bought out MOPAC) was so under-staffed that Eddie couldn't get time off work for us to make our life changing trek. Finally, at the end of the month, we headed to Arkansas. With local assistance, suggestions and help, we knew we would soon be Arkies! The morning we were due to leave, one time zapper came up after another. A railroader dropped by to pick up some stuff he bought. The CA phone rang over and over, Samuel needed to be changed again. The kids were hungry, the UPRR called and wanted Eddie to come back to work and run a train… Instead of arriving around noon, we got there after 3:30 p.m. But we were READY to buy. This was the trek, the trip, the long awaited, "I've heard about this state for over 13 years, so let's finally move there", the well; you get the drift…

We drove, we looked, we wondered, we remained quiet, we finally stopped to feed the "2 world's greatest traveler kids" after 6:30 p.m. Over mediocre salsa, but tasty chicken fajitas, I spoke up first. "Eddie, I don't want to move here. I don't like it." "Me either, I don't know what I was thinking all these years about this area. It's changed from how I remember it and I don't like it." "If you really want to move here, I will do it, but I'm very disappointed at the land prices, the topography, and the area. I know I suggested we move here and perhaps I've tried to sell you on moving here. I thought this is what you wanted and what would be best for our family, but frankly I don't want to live here." Eddie looked at me across the table, over the collection of salsa cups, between Samuel's reaching hands, and amidst Danielle's wiggles and said, "Honey, I guess the image I've had in my mind all these years was that expression 'the grass looks greener on the other side'. I really don't like the area for us, for our family, for our kids. We can't afford the prices and I'll have to work more hours to make ends meet. I appreciate your willingness to move here, that means a lot to me, but I don't want to make this move either. Let's go home with a new appreciation for all that we've been blessed with and live life right where we're at." "Okay, I'm all for that. However, I'm a bit confused. No, I'm very confused. I know that this is the right decision that we're making now, but…we prayed about this. God blessed us with the money to move. We sold tons of stuff, we've worked on the moving plans, I've packed boxes, we've altered our plans for this New Year, we've changed our total mind set, and we've categorically stated that we're moving to Arkansas. What's all that about?" "Well, the stuff we sold, we didn't need. The money we gained we can use on projects that we've put off due to a lack of funds. We can change our minds again, we can re-plan our year and it's our life and our family. We need to do what is best for us and will give us the most mental freedom to serve Him." We sat in silence and ate, fed kids, cleaned up spills, managed kids, and quietly considered the words that we both unanimously had spoken. Without any prompting we both said, "Well, as often as we disagree, we sure are in TOTAL agreement with this decision to NOT move here!" Whoa…hold on there partner! We were in Emulsion City! We laughed and we wondered--did that just really happen to us?! Effortlessly?! WOW!

As we drove to the local mall to let the kids walk, run, and see the sights; I said, "Wow, do I feel relieved." "Me too, now we don't have to even THINK about how to move and what to do with our KS property." "I feel like a hundred pound weight has been lifted from my shoulders! I'm still kind of mixed up about it, but I sure feel a new mental freedom." "Me too." We spent the night and looked at more property in the morning, as this would confirm our decision. We shook our heads and wearily headed for home. As we pulled into our driveway at dusk, we felt like we were really coming "home" for the first time since we'd gotten married. (Our third sincere attempt to move to Arkansas.)

Within 24 hours of arriving home, I had the flu. Within 48 hours, we were offered the opportunity to adopt a Vietnamese/Korean brother and sister from Dallas. Would we adopt them and that's why we weren't moving to AR? We'd need the money for a sibling adoption? The mind struggles to find answers, even though the heart knows what is the right decision/move (not) to do. We discussed it and wearied quickly from not fully understanding. I liken it to an Olympic Game competition. We were ready to run the race, no matter how difficult. We were prepared to sacrifice and to push hard to finish the race, but suddenly the games were cancelled without explanation. Or the analogy that we were traveling a road and we thought, we were reading all the signs correctly. We felt sure we understood where the road was headed. But instead of leading us to a new destination, it was merely guiding us back to "our home". Do we live in Utopia here in Coffeyville, KS? Not hardly, far from it. Do we have the amenities and the activities locally that were so important to us a few months ago? No, but we can by driving 20-45 minutes or an hour or two to a major city in KS or in OK. I also had to ask myself, how often would we really go play Putt-putt golf? How many movie theaters do we need to have access to? (Like there are SO many wholesome good movies to go see anyway?) Do we have to have tons of great restaurants to be happy or can Danny and I work together to cook up some great homemade and special meals at home, while she learns the art of cooking? Did 'the grass look greener' in Arkansas or was it just the freshness and newness that was so appealing? I don't have the answers to all those simple questions. And we don't need all the answers. We aren't going to adopt the sibling group; I've found a Baton Instructor 20 minutes away; Danielle starts gymnastics and swimming lessons this summer; she'll be in real art classes throughout June in Bartlesville, OK; as a family we recently attended the 20th Anniversary Acappella Concert in Tulsa, OK; the Carmen Concert was last night just 20 minutes away; a private Karate school just opened up in Coffeyville; the Smithsonian has picked Coffeyville as 1 of the Midwest Cities to bring their "Time Travel" exhibit to this fall; we'll soon have calves eating/grazing on some of this 20 acres; Eddie & I are not spending countless hours discussing 'how we can do a move' and so…what is so wrong about living in a 2-horse town after all?

What really is the legacy that we should leave our children? It is memories of a million activities and tons of involvement in dozens of events? Or is our legacy to be the teaching, the instruction, the right doctrine of God's Word--living and oozing out of their hearts? They won't be able to minister to others because they took a thousand courses/classes or participated in every activity under the sun. They will successfully minister and heal the hearts of others, because of the love of God living and breathing in their souls. This is the legacy that really matters, and this is the optimal goal of parenting.

I've said this to others for years and now I'm living it as an example for my children. "Happiness is not where you live, who you live with, the city/state or area you live in, nor is it the kind of house you have, but happiness lives or doesn't live--between your ears, it's all what you do with your mind."

We've had some time to digest those life-changing events from over a month ago.

Perhaps, for us, we are in the best part of arKANSAS.

As God's children, perhaps, we were just Inside Out, Upside Down & Backwards.

For more information please read Believe and Abigail.  We encourage you to prayerfully consider registering with our service, and/or writing to us.

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