STACY
Written by Stacy.
Names have been changed to protect privacy.
Created Especially For Me
It was another fight. It was another day turning from God. Another day ignoring my Christian family, friends, and Youth Pastor. I had run back giving my body and mind to him once again. I just wouldn't trust in God, and He knew that it would come down to consequence. But for me, I was waiting for him to change; to give his heart to the Lord, to understand me, to love me again and hurt me again, to say sorry once again. The lying, the hurt, the fright, the police, the court dates...and then going back to him again. How I must have tore at Jesus' heart day after day. How blind, ignorant, and naive I had been. All I had to do was say NO, all I had to do was trust in God, all I had to do was end it...but was it that easy?
Is it that easy to say goodbye to the one who you think you love, is it easy to say goodbye to your last friend that you have, is it easy when you are being manipulated, emotionally abused, and told that you're loved and that he will change? Yes, it could have been easy. If I would have trusted in the Lord with all my heart, soul, and mind.
I have received a consequence because I had sinned, but God also answered prayer at the same time. He removed my ex-boyfriend from my life to make it easier to stay away from him, just like I had prayed. On July 30th he was arrested for drunk driving and a hit and run involving injury. God removed him and I was no longer afraid that I would see him again when I was trying so hard to stay away from him.
I woke up again in fear. I walked in fear, I ate in fear...I knew I was pregnant. But I prayed God would remove this from me, I prayed not to be pregnant. Finally, at the end of August I took a pregnancy test and I was...pregnant. Why had I given my body to anyone but God? Why didn't I listen to anyone? Why did I have sex before marriage? Now I was dealing with the consequence that you get when you don't save your purity for marriage, for the one man God has created just for you.
A few days later I had a doctor appointment and my aunt came with me. I was scared. I felt sleazy. I felt guilt from not obeying God. I was having an ultrasound done because I was having pain. The nurse left the room to get film, and I prayed to my heavenly Father and cried out.
I prayed..."Dear Lord, please calm my heart. Lord please show me you are here with me. I am so scared. Lord please fill me with your presence. Be here with me." The nurse came back and after a few long minutes I was told I was having twins. I was terrified. Wow, I thought God was really punishing me. He was not going to ever let me forget this one.
I got dressed and went to the bathroom. All I could do now was turn to God in prayer...I asked Him many times, "Why now?" Here I was handed a valuable and precious gift, the gift of life of two unborn babies, but I felt I was inadequately fit to give them all they needed and deserved on top of continuing my education and pursuing my dreams and goals.
My question to God was, "Why have you given me this gift when there are good people out there ready and waiting for the same gift but finding their lives and their arms to be empty?" My heart went out to those who could not bear children. Those who may never have the chance to experience the ultimate joy of having and raising not only one child but two!
Moments later my aunt was knocking continuously on the door. I opened it, and she had found a black hills gold cross pendant outside the ultrasound room. I started to cry, and told her my prayer.
God is with me. God was not punishing me. It was my fault, my consequence. That's when I felt His presence. That's when I knew it was time to turn away from all of my sexual sin. I knew there was only one more answer left, and that was to repent; to turn from all my selfish desires and seek God.
That day God told me
He would be with me through everything. All I had to do was repent, trust in Him, and follow His will. That's when I knew God's plan was for my babies to be adopted. I had received His peace. I knew God already had a family out there hand picked to raise my two babies, and they would be the happiest couple in the whole world. They could provide what I was unable to give.
I look at the love of God and He loves me more than I deserve. This understanding helped me change my life. That's the nature of true repentance.
Jeremiah 29:11-13
I have good plans for you, not plans to hurt you. I will give you hope and a good future. Then you will call my name. You will come to me and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will search for me. And when you search for me with all your heart, you will find me.
For the next few days I had two things on my mind; finding a family for my babies and school. I was going to be a freshman in college, but now I needed to put my pregnancy and adoption plan first.
I prayed everyday. I prayed all the time for God to show me who the family was and how to find them. My mom spent a night studying Christian Adoption. She printed profiles of the couples on the website. I read two of them and didn't want to read anymore. I was scared. How on earth was I supposed to know who would take care of my babies? Or who would make the best parents? Who could I trust? I continued each day in prayer for God to show me the family that would raise my babies. I didn't look again at those profiles until weeks later.
My family didn't want me to go to school. They wanted me to stay home with the babies and I refused to miss out. I was so excited; I'd been looking forward to school for the past year. The first weekend wasn't what I expected and I disliked it. Everyone was drunk and it seem everyone smoked. All I wanted to do was protect my babies and meet someone who didn't want to party. God brought into my life the most amazing friend--Benjamin. I didn't know that he would become a part of my heart and soul. God had brought us together at just the perfect time in each others lives. I went to college for a month, but because I couldn't find any financial aid I had to leave. The last day in the dorm I prayed and cried. If only I'd known that it was all going to be a part of God's plan. Once I returned home, thoughts of the birthfather tortured my mind. I needed to tell him I was pregnant, but I didn't think it was fair. He was in jail, it wasn't my fault, why does he need to know? I didn't want to see him, talk to him and I was afraid he'd reject the adoption plan.
I went to the County Jail and told him through glass and a telephone that I was pregnant with twins. He told me that day he would never put his babies up for adoption. I put my trust in the Lord and ignored what his thoughts and feelings were on the situation. I think he was being selfish and not thinking about the babies. I knew neither of us was equipped financially, emotionally, psychologically, or even physically to meet the needs of twins. He wouldn't take any of this into consideration. Once again I turned to prayer as I was drove home from the jail.
"These children need and deserve so much more than I can give. Why then have you given me a gift that so many other people are praying to receive and are prepared to love?" And in that prayer I answered my own question. There are people much more prepared for such gifts, but for many reasons are unable to conceive. Perhaps these beautiful babies were not a gift to me or their father. Now it was clear to me; these babies weren't our gift but a gift for two wonderful people who are praying for them. They would fulfill my dreams for my babies for a better life and be the answer to their prayers. If I raised my babies, I'd take away their chance to have a normal life, full of security, with a mother and a father who are in love and devoted to provide stability.
That week my heart was led to Christian Adoption and I began reading profiles in earnest. I prayed and I decided to choose a couple without children. Then I re-read the one my mom had printed a few weeks earlier. I felt a huge 100 pound weight lifted off my shoulders. I cried as I read this profile, then I read it over and over again. Was this the one God?
I called them on October 9th and knew I'd made the right choice. Mick and Tabitha have been a great gift from God. There aren't even words to describe what amazing parents they'll be to my twins. I thank God everyday for blessing me! I called them on Mick's birthday to ask them to raise my babies through adoption. Mick was supposed to fly out that day on business but had missed his flight; something he'd never ever done. God made sure Mick and Tabitha would both be home to receive my call!
The following months I spent taking care of myself and my unborn babies. We would praise God everyday through music and prayer. I gained strength from
Isaiah 41:10, 13
Don't worry, because I am with you. Don't be afraid, because I am your God. I will make you strong and will help you; I will support you with my right hand that saves you...I am the Lord your God, who holds your right hand, and I tell you, 'Don't be afraid. I will help you.
Tabitha and I talked several times a week and emailed. I felt like we'd always known each other-it's hard to describe our bond. I'll always want her to be part of my life. There's no way to explain the peace I feel about her and Mick adopting my babies.
In November I found out I was having twin boys and that one baby had spina bifida. I felt terrible telling Tabitha the news, but she reminded me that everything was going to be okay. She loved these babies equally and told me that if she were carrying them, it wouldn't make any difference. She wasn't going to change her mind. She always makes me feel so much better and we all remained faithful in prayer. Neither of these babies lacks anything that God's grace can't give them. God has a special plan and purpose for my twins.
Although I was due in April, the Dr. planned a C-section in March. The more the babies grow inside me, the more I love them. But when I pray, God gives me His peace. Here's an email Tabitha sent to me and I thank God for her everyday.
"Selfless. Sacrificial. Courageous. These are words that apply to the very best of mothers, those mothers who devote themselves fully to their children in many ways. For some it means being a full-time stay at home mother, for others it means working their fingers to the bone to raise and support their families alone, and for some it means letting go. The first two probably seem like no-brainers and some of you might ask why I included the third. Very simple really-the very hardest thing a mother can ever do is let go, even when she knows in her heart that it is what needs to be done. Before you stands the most courageous woman I have ever met. She isn't brave because she doesn't cry, or feels no pain, or rushes headlong into battle without weighing the situation. She is brave because she moves ahead despite the tears, despite the hurt, and after thinking her situation through very thoroughly. She is possibly the finest example of a mother there is. I know what people say about placing babies for adoption-but most people just don't know the kind of love for their babies that Stacy knows. Make no mistake, these babies are hers-she takes loving care of them every day. One day they will, by the grace of God and through her unselfish love, be our children, but they will always be very uniquely hers. She will always be a part of them, the very BEST part of them. Have you ever thought of Moses' mom? I'm talking about his biological mother, who hid him from Pharaoh's troops until he was three months old. It wasn't Moses' mother's fault that the conditions were not right to raise up a child in Egypt-the soldiers were murdering every newborn they could find. Every single other woman in Egypt hid her baby away, and each one of those babies died a gruesome death. But one mother knew that she could offer nothing to her young son to save him from death. She loved him and would have provided him with everything had she the ability, but she was a slave and could not even flee from her troubles. And so she gave him a chance and set him afloat on the Nile. We know that she cared very deeply because she sent his sister along to watch his progress. Moses was swept into the arms of an Egyptian princess who loved him as her own. Moses, that day, became the first recorded adoption in history, and went on to become one of the most important men in history. I ask you, who loved their child more? The ones who held on or the one mother who let go? I cannot tell you the answer to that, but one thing I can tell you. That young Hebrew woman loved her child so much that she would rather send him to be raised by another family than to see him die. She sacrificed in order to give him what he needed-and that, not biology, is the mark of a true mother. Stacy has that love. Stacy IS that mother. Stacy's babies will always be proud to have been lovingly nurtured in her womb."
I believe God will comfort me and one day I'll raise children with a loving Christian husband. God has helped me during this pregnancy and I believe He has plans for me in my future. Even though the birthfather still hasn't consented to the adoption plan, I have no doubt that God is working. I pray the birthfather will change his mind, but if he doesn't I know God has woven the last 7 months of my life together and He will bless us in the end.
Jeremiah 32:27
I am the Lord, the God of every person on the earth. Nothing is impossible for me.
God has blessed me with so much, even though I've sinned. He has forgiven me and in
Ephesians 4:22-24
You were taught to leave your old self-to stop living the evil way you lived before. That old self becomes worse, because people are fooled by the evil things they want to do. But you were taught to be made new in your hearts, to become a new person. That new person is made to be like God-made to be truly good and holy.
I'm so thankful for the support I've received from my family, Benjamin and his family, my church family, and especially my mother. I've never felt so close to my mom than now. I cry with joy to have learned and gained so much from her throughout my life. God had formed me in her womb and I thank God for the greatest mom that's so special. One day, while we were in the car, my mom told me that I am her hero. It makes me cry to think, I'm, My Mother's Hero! I love her so much for supporting me through this and for her love. Mom, I love you so much! I'm also thankful for my younger siblings and I pray that they'll learn from my mistake and save themselves for their future mate. I pray they'll never turn from God and look for a missing piece in someone else before they're married. I pray I'll continue to teach my brother and sister; they've been so brave and amazing to me.
God says to His children and He has told me
You won't find yourself in a deep soul relationship with another and loved completely and exclusively until you are satisfied, fulfilled, and content with giving yourself totally and unreservedly to Me, with having an intensely personal and unique relationship with me alone. Discovering that only in Me is your satisfaction to be found. You will never be untied with another until you are untied with Me, exclusive of any other desires or longings. I want you to stop planning, stop wishing, and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing, one that you cannot imagine. I want you to have the best. Please allow me to give it to you. You just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things; keep experiencing the satisfaction that I AM; keep listening and learning the things that I tell you. You just wait, do not be anxious, do not worry, do not look at the things you want; you just keep looking off and the way up to Me or you will miss what I want to show you. The one I have for you is ready (I am working even at this moment to have you both ready at the same time), until you are both satisfied exclusively with Me and the life I have prepared for you, you will not be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with Me, and this is the perfect love. And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love. I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me, and to enjoy materially and concretely, the everlasting union of beauty, perfection, and love that I offer you with myself. Know that I love you utterly. I am God. Believe, and be satisfied.
I'm most thankful for Benjamin. He has been the greatest friend to me despite my pregnancy and this adoption process. He has been with me and helped me through all the challenges. He always knew what to say and when to say it. He told me when I was being unfaithful, when I was loosing patience, he has been honest and loving. He is completely devoted to God.
This story reminds me that God will always be with me.
There is a window in your heart through which you can see God. Once upon a time that window was clear. Your view of God was crisp. You could see God as vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside.
Then suddenly, the window cracked; a pebble broke the window. A pebble of pain and suddenly God wasn't so easy to see. The view that had been so crisp had changed. You are puzzled and you ask, "God wouldn't allow something like this to happen to me, would He?"
When you can't see Him, trust Him because Jesus is closer than you could ever imagine.
I was given a consequence that turned into joy. I've gained so much through this trial. I may never experience such hardship, trouble, fear, or these emotions ever again, but I'll never regret my decision to choose adoption.
This anonymous poem reflects my life completely...
My life is but a weaving
Between my God and me.
I may not choose the colors
But he knows what they should be.
For He can view the pattern
Upon the upper side
While I see it...
Only on the underside.
Sometimes He weaveth sorrow
Which seemeth strange to me
But I will trust his judgment
And work on faithfully.
Tis' He who fills the shuttle
For He knows what is best
And I shall weave in earnest
And leave with Him the rest.
At last when life has ended
With Him I shall abide
Then I may view the pattern
Upon the other side.
Then I shall know the reason why
Pain with joy entwined
Was woven in the fabric of life...
That GOD designed!
Isaiah 55:8,12
My thoughts are not like your thoughts. Your ways are not like my ways. Just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts. So you will go out with joy and be led out in peace.
Stacy
For more information please read Encourage Yourself-2.
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