JOURNAL
Written by Deborah.
10.4.03 A few excerpts from Deborah's journal…
July 15, 1996 Noon
My Dear Child,
To the best of my recollection and calculation, it's been 28 years and 1 month since I have wanted you and dreamed of holding you. This is a long time in this lifetime, but nothing compared to all of eternity. It's odd to me that in spite of all of my efforts, diligent prayers, and endless tears that people still ask me, "Are you sure you want to have children?" They have no inkling of an idea and I'm sure that you will never understand my earnest desire to be your mother. Why am I still waiting, and praying, and why do tears still flow in postponed sorrow? I do not know. It's a puzzlement to my mind and heart, but you will come and even now I know you are in the process of coming to me.
I have read books about children, adoption, motherhood, family bonding, pregnancy and diet. I have shed volumes of tears reading about the success stories of other women that have become mothers. However, I'm certain that I will not fully appreciate the awesome joy, privilege, and responsibility of having you and loving you-until you finally arrive. I have tried to prepare my heart, my mind, and my body for your arrival. But only God knows what lies ahead and only He can help me, guide me, and strengthen me.
May you adhere to these words of wisdom all your life:
Do the very best you can, but know that your true source of help and direction comes from God.
Ask Him and prayerfully wait for His answer.
That is what I continue to do now and have been doing for all these years.
I wait day after day, which becomes week after week, and then month after month, which turns into year after year. Waiting and praying and pushing to be thankful and to be faithful. It's been an arduous task, but He has given me help all along the way.
God is always true and faithful and able to help those that call upon Him.
Go to God often each day in every decision you make.
Avoid the many mistakes that I've made.
God is our strength.
July 16, l996 11:00 Pm.
Dear Loved One,
There are days when it seems that you're close to being in my arms. So close, that I cry tears of joy! I know you're coming! The intensity of the joy is as deep as the sorrow I usually experience. God is faithful to hear my prayers. I know He hears my fervent prayers for you. I don't fully understand how and what God is working in the depth of my heart in preparation for you. God is no respecter of persons and therefore I should not see the color or culture of anyone. He is preparing my heart for you! As a child of the King and as a born-again one with Christ residing within, how can I be a respecter of anyone's color, background, physical characteristics, strengths or shortcomings? God looks upon the heart, not the body, appearance, or mental acuity of an individual. Shouldn't I do the same? Shouldn't I love with His love? A love that supersedes the senses realm with all of it's criteria and judgment? These thoughts I ponder and pray for God to teach me to understand. I pray for Him to prepare me for what lies ahead. On days like today, I am overwhelmed with the wonder of what's coming. I'm awed by how much I love you, not yet even knowing you! Could you be more wanted ? I think not!
July 17, l996 10:00 Am.
Dear Unborn,
I've distributed adoption files to about 150 resources. Dispersing these files helps my mind and settles my heart, even though I've not received any responses. Since I don't know how or where or when you'll arrive, I feel compelled to keep sowing seed. My flesh cries out to do something, even though my efforts seem fruitless. I think I'm inspired by God to know where to go, who to send the files to, and what to ask. However, I know I miss the mark and sometimes send out information willy-nilly, just out of desperation. It's like the stuff I've already acquired for you. Each blanket, each book, each baby item has been a way for my mind to deal with waiting. Often I've bought something for you, to prove to myself that I still believe. It's a funny and sad game I play with my mind. It's a wrestling match between the old man nature (fearful and hopeless), and the new man (fearless and hopeful). Moment by moment I determine which nature will rule my mind.
May you seek to be encouraged in the Lord. In Him only, will you find fullness of joy.
August 8, 1996
Today, I began to wash baby clothes that I've been gathering for almost 7 years. It sounds absolutely crazy, but each little outfit, sock or accessory was bought in anticipation of you. I found these things at yard sales, used clothing shops, and occasionally bought something new. I've accumulated and saved these items for years. I know somehow, you'll become a reality! No man can understand a woman's desire to nurture children. If I think about it very much, tears of joy well up into my eyes and overflow down to my chin. What a glorious day it will be when I hold you in my arms.
August 14, 1996
Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh it is a tree of life.
Proverbs 13:12
August 15, 1996
Each day brings me closer to you. It will be a discipline to keep my priorities in order, as you cannot become my life or my sole source for happiness. Children are simply on loan. I will not own you, but will love, teach, discipline and nurture you.
After the 5th failed placement…
November 11, 1996
I have been away on an island that no one should have to go to,
It is a lonely and barren place, where one looks for God's comfort.
Under every rock and in all the crevices, but there is no peace,
Only the coldness of the turbulent waves and a bite is in the air.
The mind reaches for truth to hold onto, and the logic of God's ways,
But the emotions are in turmoil and won't be calmed for long.
I know I won't be here forever but the moments are like days,
The thoughts in a constant fight for dominance and control.
I am thankful to know that others love me,
It is a comfort to know that they pray.
I have been to this island so often in life that it should be easier,
But anguish and despair are relentless foes.
Why does it have to be so hard, so difficult to have a family?
I find no answers, no understanding, and hence no peace.
No one can fix it; no one can make it all better,
I am alone again to trust in God, weak as I am and humbled.
I ask myself how much more can I take and the answer is the same,
When I am weak, He is strong and I can take whatever comes.
What depth of character I must be obtaining, and deep compassion for others I think,
So, I shed another tear, look out across the sea, and wonder what will soon happen to me.
November 20, 1996
When the heart is overwhelmed with sorrow,
And wonder if your baby will come tomorrow,
Then it's time to reach down low,
To find out what you're made of, to Him only go.
My precious Danielle was born in late August 1995.
Christian Adoption began on December 2, 1996.
Danielle was first placed in my arms on December 28, 1996.
For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Jeremiah 29:11 NIV
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We encourage you to follow God's loving guidance.
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